Magazine 2023-08 web

VERY APPRECIATIVE NEWSPAPER DELIVERY ON THE HOUSE COLD HAND Eight-rear-old Morris came in the kitchen while his mother was setting the table for dinner. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, “No, but I appreciate you asking.” Morris replied, “Well, I appreciate you saying no.” Rene W. A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Jones, I wish I had 30 customers like you.” “Gee, that’s so nice to hear,” said Mr. Jones. “But, I’m a little surprised, considering I never tip and usually pay late.” The paperboy replied, “I know, but I’d still like 30 customers like you. The problem is I have 150 customers like you! Arlene B. A customer walks into a pet shop and asks for a dozen bees. The manager carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. The customer tells the manager, “Excuse me, but you gave me one extra.” The manager replies, “No worries – it’s a ‘free – bee’!” Jeff M. Morah Rivka noticed that little Lisa arrived at school wearing only one glove. “Why have you only one glove?” asked Morah Rivka. “Well, Morah,” explained little Lisa, “I was listening to the weather forecast and it said it was going to be quite sunny but on the other hand it could get quite cold.” Moshe K. HELP WANTED Sir Isaac Levy, the renowned Jungle Explorer is planning a dangerous adventure - this time to the deepest African jungles. Sir Isaac needed someone to accompany him on the trip, so he placed the following ad in the paper: WANTED: A COMPANION TO ACCOMPANY ME ON A DANGEROUS TRIP TO THE DEEPEST JUNGLES OF AFRICA. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, YOU MUST BE ABLE TO EXIST SOLELY ON PLANT ROOTS AND BERRIES. YOU MUST ALSO BE CAPABLE OF COOKING IN JUNGLES; HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF TROPICAL MEDICINE; KNOW HOW TO TRAP DANGEROUS ANIMALS; AND BE FAMILIAR WITH GUNS AND RIFLES. Some days later, late one evening, there's a knock on Sir Isaac's front door. He opens it and there stands Hymie, a short, very thin, weak-looking man. “Yes? What do you want at this time of night?” asks Sir Isaac. “Are you the explorer that put the jungle advertisement in the paper?” asks Hymie in a strong Yiddish accent. “Yes, I am that person,” replies Sir Isaac, laughing. Sir Isaac then looks straight at Hymie and starts to question him. To each question, Hymie answers “No” together with a qualification. “Do you know jungle cookery?” “No, but I can make cholent.” “Can you trap animals?” “No, I can’t even kill a carp for gefilte fish.” “Can you handle weapons?” “No, I don't like guns. They frighten me.” Finally, Sir Isaac has had enough and asks, “So, why are you really here?” Hymie answers, “I just wanted you to know that on me, you shouldn’t depend!” Jacky T. David was awakened one morning at 4:44am by his ringing telephone. “Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,” said the angry voice, belonging to Morty Himmleman, one of his neighbors. David thanked Morty for calling and politely hung up the phone. The next morning at precisely 4:44am, David called Morty back. “Good morning, Morty. I just called to say that I don't have a dog.” Maurice D. THE RETURN CALL Two Alabama state troopers were chasing a speeding car on the highway that was heading towards Georgia. When the speeding car crossed the Georgia line the first trooper pulled over to the shoulder of the road. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why did you stop chasing the car?” The sergeant replied, “It’s no use, he’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us – we’ll never catch him.” Janet H. A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dog was chasing people on bikes. I told him that it couldn’t have been my dog – because my dog doesn’t even own a bicycle. Victor C. CAR CHASE PET PEEVE © Keren Keet 60 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE