Magazine 2023-08 web

The Hebrew letters . ס.ב.ל form the root of several terms. One is סבלנות , which we generally translate as patience. Another is the term ,סובל צרות which refers to a person who is tolerant of pain; the word ,סובל therefore, means to tolerate. Finally, a סבל is a porter, one who carries burdens. So, we have three English concepts - patience, tolerance of pain, and carrying a load - all with the same Hebrew root. What is the connection? Carrying the Load Rav Shlomo Wolbe ( Alei Shur v. II, p. 214) explains that one who exercises patience in his dealings with others essentially carries a load, as he moves on without growing weary of bearing that burden. For example, in dealing with friends, siblings, spouses, or coworkers, factors may not always be according to our taste or in accordance with our nature. Even worse, others may tease or taunt us, or approach us with an unjustified complaint. Yet, rather than reacting or exploding, we can be sovel their behavior, we can carry the load . Additionally, one who tolerates physical or emotional pain, which comes about through the forces of nature and not via another human being, is also holding a burden. He, too, continues to function despite being encumbered by hardship. Alternatively, if we explode in anger or kvetch about every ache and pain to all and sundry, we are dropping the load, thereby demonstrating our inability to carry the load of that difficulty. Psychological research demonstrates that individuals who can tolerate experiences of frustration or other “negative” emotions without an aggressive external reaction are rated considerably higher than others on a social/emotional level, and are more likely to succeed in their everyday relationships, as well as in their careers. Conversely, the boss who is constantly yelling and haranguing does not get more out of his employees (he just thinks he does). Rather, he creates an environment of fear in which workers adapt to their superior’s diatribes by hiding their mistakes or declining to take on projects that incur a risk of failure. Many have bought into the myth, much ingrained in our society, that letting out anger and frustration through hitting a punching bag or screaming in the forest helps expel these emotions. Factually, research into human behavior shows that, in the long run, these actions foster an increase in the frequency of these emotions. Of course, this does not mean we ignore our emotions. Indeed, we must recognize which feelings we are experiencing, including frustration, sadness, or disappointment, and allow those emotions to process in an adaptive and healthy way. This is achieved through expressing ourselves calmly, through acceptance, patience, tolerance, and awareness of our internal processes. But there is more. The Alter of Kelm ( Chochmah U’Mussar, v. I, p. 433) states, “How wonderful would it be if we would train ourselves in the trait of sevel (tolerance, patience, bearing the burden)! This is the source of all positive character traits, the source of menuchah (serenity), and the source of all good qualities.” In most cases, when we react in the wrong way, in actuality, we are reacting to an uncomfortable feeling that we cannot tolerate, causing us to drop the load. This can occur when another driver rudely cuts us off, when our child asks for still another drink at bedtime, when our spouse makes a thoughtless comment… It can be so difficult to carry that feeling that we may just fly into a rage. And at that moment, when we go ballistic, all our commendable character traits fly out the window, as we let loose on anyone and everyone unfortunate enough to be in our vicinity. Hence, the middah of savlanut is at the source of all good middot. In a letter to his son Rav Avraham, the Rambam discusses the downside of machloket, dispute. Rather than argue, he exhorts his son, “Pride yourself in tolerating; that is true strength and true victory!” EMOTIONAL WELLNESS TAKEAWAY Rav Wolbe advises, “Set aside 15 minutes a day to just tolerate, to just hold. Be patient with whatever the situation is.” During that quarter of an hour, if something is not to your liking - or someone rankles you - don’t blow your top, but remain calm and composed. This exercise should not be performed during a quiet, private time, but specifically during a busy time of day, a time of interaction with others: e.g., mealtime, bedtime, homework, carpool, a phone call with a family member…Once you have mastered tolerance during one type of interaction, you can move on to another one. Each difficult interaction that is mastered constitutes true strength and victory! TOLERANCE RABBI DAVID SUTTON 26 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE It is imp rtant t emphasize this point.   The longer o e e gages with the exac thing h is fearful of, the  less  anxious he will feel. This may seem paradoxic l. Why is it that engaging in, or tol r ti g, the fear stimulus makes us less scared? Because the more we void something we are scared of, the more our anxiety grows. Each tim we avoid something scary or uncomfortable, it reinforces wi hin our brains hat what it is we are fearful must, indeed, be avoided at all costs. And each voidant experience further internalizes the fea and discomfort, making us believe that we must c ntinue to avoid what ver it is we are afraid of.  And the cycle goes on.   Unless we confront it.   Th longer we remain with our anxiety in certain situations, t more we engage with our discomfort and the more we tolerate what we previously thought intolerable - the more confident and comfortable we b come and the mor our ability to truly tolerate c ntinues to grow.   When Better Off Isn’t Better Evidence of this truth is indicated by the fact that the countries that are the wealthiest, where life is perceived as more convenient and “easier,” have more residents who struggle with anxiety, and their ability to tolerate discomfort is woeful. A recent l rg -scale study demonstrated that those living in countries like Costa Rica, Armenia, or Ecuador - all environments with minimal emphasis on comfort and materialism - were  happier  across the board than we who live in the United States, where, ironically, one of o r unalienable rights is the pursuit of happiness. A ricans have done an amazing job at developing advancements to ost nsibly make our lives more convenient and comfortable.   Yet, somehow, we are less happy and more anxious than those living inenvironments thatalmostall ofuswoulddeem“intolerable,” even unlivable. Ninety-nine percent of the U.S. population lives more comfortably than the richest man in America did a mere hundred years ago. Ninety-nine percent of us have running water, electricity, gas, and a refrigerator/ freezer. We certainly have more clothing than we could possibly ne d. In 1952, women in the United States had an average of four outfi s in their cl s t. In today’s society, the av rage is over fifty. Yes, e have more luxury than previously could b imagined.   And despite a significant incr ase in mental health awareness and prevention, mental health struggles are on the rise. And the numbers keep growing.   Mental illness rates skyrocketed during the Covid years. There were many reasons for this, but chief among themwas our inability to tolerate difficult circumstances. Folks in Ecuador would laugh at the struggles we had to face. “You mean you couldn’t leave your heated/air-conditioned homes with running water? You mea you had food delivered to your house in minutes, and you still c uldn’t manage? You mean you had endless en ertainme t on a smorgasbord of devices to occupy each child, and even so you all went stir-crazy?”   Why did we struggle so mightily?   The answer is: The further we fall into the trap of making our lives more comfortable and we relentlessly plan and pursue the avoidance of difficulty and discomfort, the more we struggle, especially when circumstances become tough. RABBI DAVID SUTTON & DR. DAVID KATZENSTEIN Intolerance to any inconvenience causes a lack of peace, and this is true across many contexts. For those who struggle with anxiety, the most effective method in addressing these fears is to confront them, to face them, to engage with them. The only way a child who is fearful of going into the pool will alleviat his anxiety is by getting into the water. And the longer he stays in the water, the less anxious he will become.   TAKEAWAY The next time you tell yourself that you absolutely need to purchase a new X, Y, or Z, stop and ask yourself: “Do I  really  need this? If I had lived 50 years ago, would I have managed without it? If so, perhaps I can manage now, as well!”  The Pursuit of Happiness 34 I I