Magazine 2023-08 web

Our community is blessed with many opportunities – and an exceptional ability – to get together and interact with people. We frequently attend semahot , sebets , fundraisers, kiddushim in shul, and other festive events with an upbeat, energetic atmosphere, where laughter abounds and multiple conversations take place simultaneously. Understandably, then, we often find ourselves running into some trouble when we bring our “social butterfly” selves into a house of mourning. I have heard both mourners and family members helping at a shiva house observe that although everyone means well, and nobody intends to speak inappropriately or disrespectfully, there seems to be a lack of understanding about the proper way to conduct oneself while paying a shiva call. Let us, then, try to acquaint ourselves with the concept of mourning and the visitor’s role in this process. The week of shiva is designed to help mourners by providing them with a period of spiritual and emotional healing, which is facilitated through an environment of comfort and community support. Not surprisingly, modern psychologists have recently come to the same conclusions as our Jewish tradition – that healing from a loss takes time and requires communal support. Psychiatrist Dr. Jorge Casariego explains that “psychologically, it is imperative that a mourner experiences a gradual process of disengagement from the image of the deceased. Producing happy memories about the departed helps the mourner to forget the image of their loved ones in their weakened state and reminds them of a robust, multi-dimensional influence on their life.” Speaking and hearing about their loved one enables mourners to undergo this critically important psychological process. How can our visit assist the mourner along this difficult, painful road to emotional recovery? It’s Not About You First and foremost, we must remember that our visit is about the mourner, and not about us. The Talmud teaches that the funeral is for the deceased and the shiva is for the mourners. When the funeral is over, our attention shifts from the mitzvah of accompanying the dead to the mitzvah of comforting the living – and this must be our point of focus when we visit. Rabbi Aryeh Markman, executive director of Aish Los Angeles , suggests, “When you come to visit, remember that it is for the benefit of the mourner. This is the last place on earth you want to talk about yourself, as interesting as you may be. It takes tremendous psychic energy for the mourner to entertain your ego.” Contrary to usual interactions, visitors should typically avoid initiating conversations during a shiva call. Visitors should generally listen and offer support only when engaged. It is important to remember that the purpose of the shiva is to comfort mourners and allow the family to grieve. Therefore, visitors making a shiva call should be attentive to the needs of the mourners and to the atmosphere in the shiva house. The fitting topic of conversation for a shiva is the deceased. If you have a story about the deceased, or if the deceased did something meaningful for you, then share it. Those stories are comforting to most mourners. Ask to see pictures of the deceased’s life. Ask the mourner to describe the deceased’s finest hour. Ask what the deceased would want to be remembered for, and how the mourners will remember him. Timing Another area where we need improvement is with regard to the timing and length of our visits. Our community is not known for promptness – to put it mildly – and invitation times are often seen as a suggestion. No matter how many times we see the word “promptly” on an invitation, we live by organic time and show up when it’s convenient for MOZELLE FORMAN Facilitating the Healing Process: A Guide for Shiva Visits 26 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE