Community Magazine October 2019

98 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE SICK AUNT At long last the good-humored boss, Mr. Anderson, was compelled to call Hymie into his office. “It has not escaped my attention,ˮ Anderson pointed out, "that every time there's a Yankees home game you have to take your aunt to the doctor.ˮ “You know you're right, sir,ˮ exclaimed Hymie. “I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you? ˮ Rochelle A. Miriam and Moishe were in despair. Their 3-year-old son David still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those 3-year-old lips. One Friday night at Shabbat dinner, David took a taste of his soup, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this matzah ball soup? It tastes like tasteless mush!” Miriam and Moishe sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Moishe asked, “Tell me David, how come you never spoke until now?” “I never had any reason to,” explained David. “There was nothing wrong with the soup until now.” Jack G. Mr. Feldman called one of his employees into the office. “David,ˮ he said, “you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mailroom, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?ˮ “Thanks,ˮ said the employee. “Thanks?ˮ the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?ˮ “Sorry ... Thanks, Dad?ˮ Janet H. BOWL OF SOUP BIG PROMOTION A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,ˮ he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.ˮ The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?ˮ The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “ʻHare Sprayʼ – Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.ˮ Abe Cohen RABBIT RESUSCITATION Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in the tub or out?ˮ she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don't know, I'll come up to see.ˮ She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, “Was I going up or going down?ˮ The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,ˮ and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.ˮ Abe C. THREE SISTERS GOING GRAY One day little Rivkah was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?ˮ Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.ˮ Little Rivkah thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Mommy, what in the world did you do to Grandma – ALL of her hairs are white!?ˮ Victoria Z.