Community Magazine October 2019

80 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE It was at that point I decided to speak with them in private and I realized that this was a very serious problem. The children’s actions did not seem to warrant the type of vitriol the parents were expressing. The parents did not realize how their constant stream of negative words and actions were impacting their family life as well as the self-esteem of their children. The mother felt like her children were inherently bad. She would constantly compare them to other people’s children and felt they fell short. The father was a stern and critical man who recognized his role as disciplinarian and not much else. As time went on, the cracks began to show and some of their children were suffering major behavioral problems. Many of their issues were the after effects of a childhood without enough deposits of love. There was an imbalance at home in terms of love and criticism. The parents, in their own way, had a very hard time exhibiting pride in their family and in their children. In turn, the children had a hard time feeling pride in themselves. In fact, what they mostly heard was criticism. Of course, the problems ran deeper than I have space to write about. Parents can fall short and be critical, as long as they make more “deposits” in the bank account than withdrawals. They can point out weaknesses, so long as they also recognize and praise their strengths much more. Parents can (and must) discipline and enforce rules so long as they also offer hugs and an ear when that child experiences pain and disappointment. And of course, outward communication of love and pride in whatever way possible is vital for a child to believe in the idea of unconditional love. The parents in the scenario above may still be able to prevent some of the damage that their kids have experienced. It sounds too simple to be true – but it is that simple! Love is the Key Love is the oxygen in any relationship. Without exhibiting that love and helping our kids to inhale it, the relationship may suffocate. In this highly self-centeredworld, people speak about the “burden” of having children. It is a lot of extra work in life to raise kids. But when we feel healthy ourselves, and we raise kids with the love they have a right to expect from their parents, then we can succeed in making them feel like the blessings that they are to this world. When we give them love they feel powerful and good. The deposits of love that we make, even in the hardest of times, are extremely powerful. They are the anchors that our children hold fast to when they have to weather their own storms. That parental love is strengthening and sustaining. In its absence, a child does not feel whole and complete. When there is a lack of love from the two people who naturally should love a child unconditionally, that child is set up for a lifetime of self-loathing. Check your Checklist We cannot “spoil” our children with too much love. Our checklist of the things we must provide for our children, such as a strong Jewish education, clothing, shelter, medical attention when needed, and all the things we provide for them physically, must include the most important checkbox: expressions of love. Even if we think our children “know” that we do love them deep down, we can empower our children to be self-confident individuals with solid self-esteem if we conscientiously make those “deposits” I mentioned earlier. Let us commit to doing this for our children, and b’ezrat Hashem we will see the fruits of our investment not only in our own children, but also in the generations to come. FIVEWAYS toMake “DEPOSITS” inYourChildren 1 Keep a journal every night where you write something positive each child did that day. This practice helps you as a parent focus on the positive aspects of your children. Share the entries once a week at dinner with the whole family. Shabbat is the ideal time, when there are fewer distractions. 2 Praise them publicly for the real things they do. “Wow! Jane you tied your brother’s shoes so we could get out faster! That was so helpful” – that translates in their mind to “My mom thinks I am a helpful person and she sees when I do things right!” 3 Greet them at the door with a smile. When they come home from school or from any length of time that you have been apart, greeting themwith a smile makes them feel that they are missed, wanted, connected to you, even more than words could express. A smile is very powerful. 4 Speak about them to others in a positive light. Our kids often overhear us griping to close friends and family about them (even in their sleep!). Try to get in the habit of praising your kids to others so that your kids will overhear that too. They will believe that type of praise even more than the praise that you give them directly.