Community Magazine September 2019

90 Community Magazine One-Liner Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.” Jason Z. A man walks into Moshe’s shoe shop and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks Moshe. “Well the left one feels a bit tight,” replies the man. Moshe looks down at the shoe on the man’s left foot and says, “Try it again, this time with the tongue out.” “Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” Shirley M. Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly. The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws his hands out in fear. “Don’t touch me!” he cries. “I’m on disability!” Jack V. Grazi A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.” “I know,” says the second dog owner. “How do you know?” “My dog told me.” Margie C. Tongue Tied Fishing Trip Smart Dog Bernie and Estelle had a big argument, which ended with neither one speaking to the other. This “silence” went on for three days. But then Bernie realized he needed Estelle’s help because he had an early morning flight to catch. However, he still couldn’t bring himself to talk to her so he wrote a note and left it on her pillow. It said, “Please wake me at 5:00am. I have to catch an early plane.” The next morning, Bernie woke and found to his horror that it was 9:00am. He heard Estelle busy in the kitchen and there was a note on his pillow. It said, “It's 5:00am. Wake up.” Michael A. Silent Treatment Financial Advice Evaluation Test A teenage girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” “I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad. “You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.” “What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the country,” he said. “There must be some mistake.” “I don't think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'.” David T. Two paramedics were dispatched to check on 92-year-old Morty Applebaum, who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. On the way to the hospital, with the sirens going, they questioned Morty to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, “Mr. Applebaum, do you know what we're doing right now?” Morty slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. “Oh,” he replied, “I'd say about 50, maybe 55.” Isaac D. Know Your Strengths A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?” “Well,” he began “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality. I have difficulty telling the difference between fantasy and reality.” “Okay” said the interviewer. “And what are your strengths?” “I’m Batman.” Abhu Cohen At the clothing store where he worked, Marvin made it a point of pride to give customers his unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, Marvin took one look at him and shook his head. “No, no,” he said “Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair.” As Marvin walked away, he heard the customer mumble, “I was trying on the shirt.” Abe C. Customer Service