Community Magazine June 2019

One-Liner The Mind Reader The Youth of Today Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: Because they use honeycombs! Ralph H. Ruth looks down over her balcony and sees her son Mervyn playing football on the lawn. “Mervyn,ˮ she shouts down at him, “Mervyn, please come inside at once.ˮ Mervyn looks up at her and says, “Why Mommy? Am I cold again?ˮ “No Mervyn, you're not cold,ˮ replies Ruth, “you want to eat.ˮ Jackie B. 19-year-old Rachel is getting married, and just before her wedding day her grandma is picked up and brought to her parents’ house for a family tea. It was then that her grandma gives Rachel her wedding present. Rachel opens the parcel, looks at the present, then rummages around a bit. Then she goes over to her grandma, kisses her, and says, “Oh Grandma, thank you so much for this lovely present.ˮ “Oh, darling,ˮ says Grandma, “I'm so pleased that you like it.ˮ “What new bride wouldn't like such a magnificent solid silver sewing basket?ˮ says Rachel. “It's got all the bits and pieces inside – reels of cotton, needles of all sizes, two lovely silver thimbles, and other things that I don't recognize. But Grandma, I've already looked inside the basket – there don't seem to be any instructions. Do you know where they are?ˮ Barbara S. Visit to the Butcher Dental Care Little Naomi goes to her kosher butcher and asks, “My mom wants to know how much is the duck?” The butcher replies, “$52.00” “OK,” says Naomi, “Could you please send us the bill.” “I'm sorry,” says the butcher, “but you'll have to take the whole bird.” Moses T. Hymie is sitting in the dentist's chair and is just about to have some extensive and expensive cosmetic work carried out on his teeth. Adam his dentist smiles at him and says, “Just before I start, Hymie, I'd like to tell you how lucky you are coming to me for this work. When I've finished with you, you'll be another man entirely.” “I'm pleased to hear that, Adam” says Hymie. “So don't forget to send your invoice to this other man.” David S. Camp Magen David had started, and they decided to introduce the kids to tennis. At the beginning of the session the tennis teacher was talking about good sportsmanship. He asked, “Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?ˮ Little Morty raised his hand, got called on, and said, “Baseball!ˮ Eddie F. One day, Emma the teacher is reading out loud to her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma soon reads out the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’” Emma then asks her class, “What do you think the farmer then said?” Little Claire raises his hand. “I think he said, ‘Goodness, a talking chicken!’” Maureen C. Sportsmanship Chicken Little Mommy and Daddy had taken little Marty to Bloom’s kosher restaurant. During their first course, Marty says, “This soup tastes funny, Daddy.” His daddy replies, “So why aren’t you laughing?” Alex L. Freda is 95 years old and she still drives her car to the local shops every week. One day she is caught speeding. When asked by the police officer why she was speeding, she replies, “I'm very sorry for going so fast, officer, but I have a poor memory.” “So what has your memory got to do with your speeding?” asks the officer. “Because I was trying to get to the shops before I forgot where I was going,” replies Freda. Lisa N. Harry goes to see Dr. Myers. As soon as he enters the doctor's office, Harry says, “Oh, doctor, am I in trouble!” “Why, what's the matter?” asks Dr. Myers. “I can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, doctor, or where I had lunch yesterday, or even whether I went to shul last Shabbat. I can't even remember my Hebrew name. I think I'm going crazy!” “So when did this all start?” asks Dr. Myers. “When did what all start?” replies Harry. Isaac T. Funny Soup Full Speed Ahead Full Speed Ahead 102 Community Magazine