Community Magazine May 2019

WAITING ROOM COMPLAINT ONE-LINER A group of expectant fathers, including Moshe, sits nervously in the hospital's Maternity Unit. A nurse then beckons to one of them and says, "Congratulations Mr. Smith, you now have a lovely son!" Moshe immediately drops his magazine, jumps up, and cries, "Hey, what's the big idea? I got here two hours before he did!" Maurice H What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head and I’ll hang around. Lana B. GOOD TIMING Morris owns one of the most popular clothing shops in town. But one night, his shop is broken into and a lot of his best items of clothing are stolen. When he hears what has happened, Morris's friend Arnold goes to see him. “ Oy vey Morris,ˮ says Arnold, “I've just heard that your shop was broken into and many items were stolen. What a terrible thing to have happened to such a nice guy like you. You must be terribly upset.ˮ “Well to be honest, Arnold,ˮ says Morris, “I'm not really as worried as you think I might be.ˮ “So nu Morris, why is that?ˮ asks Arnold. “Well, I was lucky,ˮ replies Morris. “The thief broke into my store and stole my items at a very good time.ˮ “Surely no time is a good time for a robbery,ˮ says Arnold. “Why was this a good time for you?ˮ “Because on the day of the break-in, I had just marked everything down by 40%,ˮ replies Morris. Morris A. David walks into the local pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy something unusual. After some discussion, David decides to buy a rare talking centipede which comes in a little white box for use as the centipede's house. David takes the box with his new pet inside back home and finds a good place for it. The next day, David decides to take his pet to shul with him. So, he goes over to the box and asks the centipede, “Would you like to go to shul with me today? We will have a good time.ˮ But there is no answer from his new pet in the box. This bothers David a bit, so he waits a fewminutes and then asks again, “How about going to shul with me and receive some blessings?ˮ But there is still no answer from his new pet. So David waits a fewmore minutes, thinking about the situation, and then decides to invite the centipede one last time. This time, David puts his face right up against the centipede's box and shouts, “Hey in there! Would you like to go to shul with me and learn about Gd?ˮ This time, a little voice is heard from inside the box. “I heard you the first time, David! I'm putting on my shoes!ˮ Isaac Z. Hymie is visiting Hong Kong, and while passing through a small neighborhood he is surprised to see a synagogue. So he decides to go inside. Sure enough, he sees a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service is lovely and very touching. When the service ends, the rabbi stands at the door greeting his congregants. When Hymie goes to leave, the rabbi says to him, “You're a Jew?ˮ “Yes, I'm Jewish,ˮ replies Hymie. “Funny,ˮ says the rabbi. “You no look it.ˮ Lisa D. Shlomo was trying to help his little son Maxie understand math. “If you had seven cookies and I asked for three, how many cookies would you have left?ˮ Maxie immediately answered, “Seven!ˮ Shlomo was puzzled and asked, “Why seven?ˮ “Abba, do you really think I would give you any of my cookies!?ˮ Henry M. THE TALKING CENTIPEDE HONG KONG VISIT HOMEWORK HELPER Toward the end of the Shabbat morning service, Rabbi Joseph asks his congregation, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?ˮ Eighty percent of the people held up their hands. Rabbi Joseph then repeats his question. All respond this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Carl Kay, who attends shul only when the weather is bad. “Mr. Kay, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?ˮ “I don't have any,ˮ he replies gruffly. “Mr. Kay, that is very unusual. How old are you?ˮ “I'm 98 years old,ˮ he replies. The congregation immediately stands up and claps their hands. “Okay, Mr. Kay, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?ˮ The old golfer totters down the aisle, stops in front of the pulpit, turns around, faces the congregation, and says simply, “I've outlived all the yo-yos!ˮ Abe L. NO ENEMIES 94 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE