Community Magazine March 2019

Weight Conscious Birthday Gift Shloimie, who was struggling with his weight, went into Yitz’s Bakery, marveling at the delicious looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?” Shloimie answered, “I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut, and that cheese Danish.” Then with a sigh he added, “But Iʼll take an oat bran muffin.” Carl F. Berel meets Schmerel shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box. “It's my wife's birthday tomorrow,” Schmerel said. “Last week I asked Sarah what she wanted for her birthday.” “And?” Berel asked. “Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it.ʼ” “So, what did you get her?” asked Berel. “I bought her a deck of cards!!” Mordechai A. Cooking Lessons The Dream When eight-year-old Rivka visits her Bubbie, she loves to watch her in the kitchen. “Bubbie,” Rivka asked one day, “where did you learn how to cook?” Bubbie told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. “Someday,” Bubbie continued, “your mother will pass this knowledge along to you.” There was a short silence. “I’m not so sure,” Rivka said. “Mommy puts everything in the microwave. I think I’ll be better off if I stay here and watch you.” Gladys C. Alan was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7:00am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?” The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?” Leon H. The Bright Side Chaim Yankel entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers, the executive noticed that Chaim Yankel had been fired from every job he had ever had. “Young man,” the executive said, “I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!” “Yes,” replied Chaim Yankel. “But you have to look at the bright side.” “There really is no bright side,” said the executive. “Of course there is,” Chaim Yankel replied. “This shows you that I'm not a quitter!” Barry B. Vision Impaired Little Moishie has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade, he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, “Moishie, what happened today to upset you so?” Moishie answered, “It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library.” Moishie’s mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?” With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library, you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!” Steven D. David and Shira Stern had a wedding to go to and needed a wedding gift. “Do we really have to shell out more cash for another wedding I don’t want to go to?” David asked. Aha! He thought. “We still have that monogrammed silver tray from our wedding that we never use. Iʼll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove our monogram and put the names of the new couple. Voilà, one cheap wedding present!” David took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove the monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, “Buddy, this can only be done so many times!” Janet K. Figuring that her four-year-old son Max was listening in the next room, Suzie decided to tell her husband David the Purim gift she had bought for Max by spelling out the words “fire truck.” David nodded and said, “I think it would be a great gift.” From the other side of the wall, they heard little Max yell, “I don't want letters for Purim!” Sarah R. Wedding Present Purim Surprise 88 Community Magazine