Community Magazine March 2019

72 Community Magazine can’t hear the person’s tone in a text or email or see their body language, which are elements that improve understanding and connection. iPhone auto corrections can make things even worse. And what about that text that wasn’t meant for you? We have all been there and done that. Did you know that texting can cause anxiety? Vague texts or those that are viewed as negative (even a simple text of “let’s talk”) can trigger anxiety. Anxiety comes from not being able to hear the sender’s tone or see his expression or body language. People also experience anxiety when they can’t use their phones or access Wi-Fi. Do you remember the 2011 global Blackberry outages that caused tremendous anxiety for Blackberry users? There is also the “compare-and-despair” factor. People with FOMO (fear of missing out) check their social media feeds constantly. They may see posts and pictures of events they were not invited to or may be saddened that they can’t afford the type of vacations their friends take. Or feel sad that they have not found their soulmates or don’t have children or grandchildren. Our brains also need a break from social media and technology. Computer science researchers report that our short-termmemory can only hold three to four items, and we become overwhelmed browsing social media. Tools and Practices Are you 100 percent certain that you want to send that text? Try counting to 10 before you send that text, email, or post. Counting means waiting, pausing, and thinking about what you really want to say, and beingmindful and intentional rather than reactive or angry. The ability to manage one’s emotions is a key aspect of emotional intelligence (EQ). Studies show that EQ is more important than IQ in determining success in one’s career and personal relationships. People with a high EQ respond rather than react, pause to gather their thoughts, have a high level of self- awareness and self-control, see both sides of a situation and the whole picture, set limits and boundaries, and use filters. If you’re having a negative conversation or a full-blown argument with someone over text, take a moment, breathe, count to ten, and then see if you still want to send that text. Yes, that one, with a lot of unnecessary capitalization and too many exclamation points and typos! Avoid getting into a he said/she said situation. The same goes for social media. You can always tweet or post later, once your emotions cool down and your heart has stopped racing. To avoid a negative text or email exchange, consider drafting an email but not sending it. When you review the email the next day, youmay realize that what happened is no longer important or worth endangering your relationship for. Think of this clever acronym when speaking to children, family members, friends and colleagues, and in all your daily encounters:  W.A.I.T. - “why am I talking?” It’s relevant for texting, emailing and social media posts too! It encourages us to listen to the other person, be present, and be empathetic. Consider picking up the phone and talking instead of texting or emailing. If your time is limited, state that upfront. That communication is an example of expressing a boundary or limit. Slowly reduce the time you spend on your phone, and checking your texts, email, and social media feeds. Can you shut your phone for 30 minutes twice a day when you aren’t expecting an important call or notification? Notice how you feel when you unplug. After some initial withdrawal anxiety, you may enjoy it! Let’s educate our children about the harmful consequencesofinappropriatetextingandposting on social media platforms. As parents it is our responsibility toprovideguidelines toour children, and encourage them to think before they quickly send off a text or post on Instagram. Encourage your children to communicate and converse and to put their phones down. Model those behaviors for them. And let’s not forget that for Jews, there are also halachic ramifications to negative texting and posting relating to lashon hara , lack of tsniut , and practicing mitzvot ben adam le chaveiro . Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her specialties include life, career, and dating coaching.  Ellen helps people find their passion, purpose, and positivity in life and relationships. Ellen can be contacted at ellen@ lifecoachellen.com ( www.lifecoachellen.com) . 1 2 3 4 5 5 Reasons to Count to 10 Before You Hit Send Once you put it in writing, you can’t take it back. Are you willing to live with the consequences? Is your response triggered by elevated emotions? Were you feeling down, irritated or stressed when you received that negative text or email? Why not respond when you are feeling more positive and calmer?  Do you know the whole story? Can you give the other person the benefit of the doubt? Or pick up the phone and ask to talk about it. People often reach the wrong conclusions when they quickly read a text. Remember " loose lips sink ships" or its modern counterpart " loose tweets sink fleets ." It originated in World War II and warned against speaking of ship movements, which might be heard by enemy agents and lead to the bombing of U.S. submarines. It sent a message to U.S. citizens and the military to refrain from careless talk. Walk on the side of caution with your written words. Anger management experts say that counting to 10 provides time and distraction to help you manage your emotions, including anger. When angry, count to 10 before you speak. If very angry, count to 100.