Community Magazine February 2019

CAN YOU CRACK US UP? Send us your most hilarious jokes, anecdotes, or observations. Top picks will appear in this section with the name of the contributor. email: jokes@communitym.com online: go.communitym.com/jokes post mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 THE VISIT TO MARS Two astronauts make the first manned flight toMars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face with a couple of greenMartians. “How do we make contact?” asks the first astronaut. “They look pretty primitive. Let's impress themwith some of our technology.” “OK.” says the first. He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested. “I think it's working – light it!” says the second. The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red. “Wow!” says the first, “they must really be impressed.” Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!" Morris B. THE TAILOR A fellow came to a tailor to have a suit made for a special occasion. When the suit was ready the man came to the tailor's shop to try it on. To his horror he discovered that one sleeve was significantly longer than the other sleeve and one pants leg was about 4 inches shorter than it needed to be. The fellow complained to the tailor. The event was that evening and he needed the suit. The tailor advised the desperate fellow that he should pull his arm up in such a fashion that the short-sleeved arm sits right at the hand. He contorted himself as recommended. Then he suggested that he shift his weight in such a way that the cuff of the all too short pant leg comes right to the shoe. He paid for the ill-fitted suit and went off limping down the street. Two gentlemen were walking behind him and were observing how he was ambulating down the street. One man said to the other, “Look at that unfortunate fellow, how disfigured and misshapen he is!” To which his colleague replied on a positive note, “At least he has a good tailor!” Susan K. Riddle: Boy and His dog SUBMITTED BY RANDY T. A boy stands on one side of a lake, with his dog on the other side. The boy calls his dog, which immediately crosses the lake. The dog doesn’t get wet and doesn’t use a bridge, boat, or any type of floatation device. How did the dog cross the lake without getting wet? Last Month’s Riddle: Man On Wheels What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a nicely dressed man on a bicycle? Solution: A tire (attire)! Solved by: The Blum Family, Smarty, and Joey Dabah. Junior Riddle: Mystery Coat SUBMITTED BY MAURICE L. I’m a coat that can only be put on when wet. What am I? Last Month’s Junior Riddle: Bargain Hunter Where can you get four suits for less than two dollars? Solution: In a deck of cards! Solved by: Miriam Harary, The Blum Family, Mosie S., Joseph Sol Wahba, Rachel Shamah, Smarty, Ruthy Mayor, and Joey Dabah. Send your solutions! online: go.communitym.com/riddle email: riddles@communitym.com post: 1616 Ocean Pkwy, Brooklyn, NY 11223 Correct solutions received by the 18th of each month will be noted in the next issue. JEWISH JOKES David is telling a new joke to Yossi. “Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day...” Right away, Yossi interrupts him. “Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you, David!” So, David starts again, “Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's bar mitzvah...” Greg C. MEDICAL HUMOR The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!” Doctor: “You'll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?” Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don't answer!” Abhu Cohen 90 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE