Community Magazine February 2019

THE ISRAELI WORKER'S UNION HOSPITAL VISIT LATE TO WORK Max, a Vaadnik (union head), is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company. “Comrades – haverim , we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week.” “Hooray!” goes the crowd. “We will finish work at 3pm, not 4pm.” “Hooray!“ goes the crowd, again. “We will start work at 9am, not 7am.” “Hooray!” “We have a 150% pay raise.” “Hooray!” “We will only work on Wednesdays.” Silence...then a voice from the back asks, “Every Wednesday?” Eddie S. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.” Martin T. Bernstein walks into work one day at 10am. He is very late. His boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts. “Why?” asks Bernstein. “What happened at 8:30?” Carol R. THE MAGICIAN A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it's not the same hat!” or, “Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... “OK, I give up. Where's the ship?” Maureen M. THE TAXI DRIVER A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters: C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z “Can you read this?” the examiner asks. “Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “I know the guy!!” Dave A. HIGHEST BID CHARITY A man goes to an auction and sees a beautiful parrot and he is determined to bid on it. As he starts the bidding the bids get higher and higher, to a point where it was higher than what he intended, but he continues bidding, and finally gets his wish. He goes over the auctioneer and tells him, “This parrot better know how to talk after I spent so much money on him." The auctioneer replies: “Oh yes, he sure does!” “What makes you so sure?” “Who do you think was bidding against you!” Abhu Cohen The shul’s rabbi was disappointed about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor. “And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife. “Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.” Gladys D. WHAT TIME IS IT There was once this fellow who did not own a watch. Whenever he wanted to know the time, he would simply ask someone. “Why don't you just buy a watch?” a coworker finally snapped at him after being asked one time too many. “Why should I buy a watch, when I can simply ask!” “Well,” asked his coworker, “What do you do in middle of the night?” “I use a shofar!” said the fellow. “A shofar?” “Yes. Whenever I want to know the time, I go to the window, I blow the shofar, and all my neighbors start yelling, ʻWhat are you doing? It's two in the morning!ʼ” Ronnie W. 88 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE