Community Magazine January 2019

EAR MUFFS AIR TRAVEL DOCTOR’S ORDERS Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn't you like the muffs?” The foreman said, “They're a thing of beauty.” “Why don't you wear them?” the Project Manager asked. The foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!” Morris T. A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent: “I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati.” “I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that,” said the ticket agent. “That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route.” Marlene B. Yesterday I had my annual medical wellness checkup. The doctor said that at my age, I should have a bar in my shower. So, I took his advice and went out and bought a bottle of wine and two bottles of beer. Jack Grazi BUSINESS TRIP DOCTOR VISIT FATHERLY ADVICE A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!” Tammy M. Brenda made aliyah to Israel and soon after arriving she realized that she would need a doctor, so she looked around and found one near her apartment. She came in for her first appointment and sat patiently as Dr. Bentov made his way through the file that contained her very extensive medical history. After he finished going through all seventeen pages, Dr. Bentov looked at Brenda and said, “You look better in person than you do on paper.” Susan M. A young woman got lost driving in a huge snowstorm. A snowplow passed, so she started following it. After 30 minutes, the plow stopped, and the driver asked what she was doing. “My father always told me that if I got lost in a snowstorm, I should follow a plow,” the woman said. “Oh,” the driver replied. “Well, I’m almost done with this parking lot. If you want, you can follow me over to the next one.” Samuel K. TRAIN DELAY After crawling along at a pitifully slow pace for miles, a passenger train finally stopped. Seeing the guard walking along the track, a passenger leaned out the window and asked: “What’s going on?” “There’s a cow on the track,” replied the guard. Ten minutes later, the train moved off and resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes it had stopped again. The passenger saw the same guard walking past outside once more and asked him: “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?” Alex D. WELCOME TO NY A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!” “OK,” the man says, “You take the front and I`ll take the back.” Carl D. CLEANING HOUSE Rachel and Leah were sisters who lived in different cities but talked on the phone daily. “I am so frustrated,” Rachel said to Leah. “My house is so disorganized and I keep procrastinating by not cleaning it.” “Well you better get moving!” Leah said to Rachel. “We’re coming to stay with you next month, and you should have the house clean and organized by then.” Rachel thought that was a good idea. But by next day’s conversation, Rachel was still sounding down. “What’s wrong?” Leah asked. “I went to the bookstore,” Rachel explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same book. I had bought it a couple of years ago.” Rachel L. 120 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE