Community Magazine January 2017

MURPHY’S LAWS ON WORK LIFE UNDERWATER THE INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’ To err is human; to forgive is not company policy. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. The longer the title, the less important the job. Daniel S. Jeff calls his brother, Sam, and asks how his vacation went. Sam responds that he had a great time scuba diving. “What did you see?” asks Jeff. “Two swordfish were having a duel. Goldfish were being sold for $1,200 per ounce!” “That’s so interesting,” says Jeff. “What was your overall impression of life underwater?” “There’s something fishy about it,” responded Sam. Daniel Balsam A woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the doctor’s office. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just then, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.” Joseph S. THE BEST DEAL OF ALL Recently Bill walked into a barbershop and asked how much it would cost for a haircut. “Eight dollars,” the barber told him. “And how much is it for a shave” Bill asked. “Five dollars.” “All right,” said Bill, settling in the barber’s chair. “Shave my head!” Jack V. Grazi Three men are out fishing when an angel appears in their boat. When the first man has gotten over the shock, he humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief. The second man points to his glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly. The angel now turns to the third man, who throws his hands up in fear. ‘Don’t touch me!” he cries. “I’m on disability!” Jack V. Grazi RUNNING FROM THE CURE AIRPLANE HUMOR Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots try to make their announcements more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings, it affects the flight pattern.” 2. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.” 3. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.” 4. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!” 5. On one particular flight, an airline pilot hammered into the runway really hard. Upon exiting the plane, a little old lady asked,”Sonny, mind if I as you a question? Did we land or were we shot down?” David D. Ikey was attending a workshop on how to improve relationships with family members. During the class, the instructor asked, “When we reach the end of our lives, will we say ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the job?’” He persisted. “Has anyone ever wondered that?” “Yes,” said one man “Right after I got fired.” Abhu Cohen If money doesn’t grow on trees, then how come banks have so many branches?” Isaac F. REGRETS PLAY ON WORDS 78 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE