Community Magazine December 2016

MEDICAL ADVICE LAW AND ORDER COACHING WITH CLARITY My doctor says she’s been practicing medicine for 10 years. I asked her to call me when she’s done practicing and gets serious! When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children. Just like it says on the bottle. Bertha Diamond Q: What’s the scariest thing about being charged in a court case? A: That you’re putting your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. A. C. A “Life and Career” coach met with a prospective client one morning and asked the client what he wanted to get out of their sessions. “Clarity,” the client said very firmly. “And on what issues are you looking for clarity?” the coach asked. “Well,” he said in a less confident tone, “I’m not sure.” Eddie Beyda WHO’S DRIVING? FINDING YOUR MATE “I’ll never find the right guy!” I heard the young guest at Betty’s bridal shower sigh. “Don’t give up,” urged Betty’s grandmother. “Every pot has a lid.” “Or,” a cynical voice behind her offered, “You could just be a skillet.” A. Cohen Man to his wife: Do you know what our six-year-old son wants to be when he grows up? Wife: No, what? Husband: A garbage man. And do you know why? Wife: No, why? Man: Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays. J.F. A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked his collections manager to leave a voicemail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.” Dorna Delrahimnia CAREER GOALS PAYMENT A family was driving on the highway, rushing to get home for Shabbat. Suddenly the car started to smell; the baby had to be changed. Since there was no time to exit (Shabbat was coming!) the mother changed the baby while the car was still in motion. After a while, the car started to smell. The smell was unbearable. The mother threw the pamper out the window. Sure enough, it hit a policeman’s windshield. The policeman pulled the car over and started talking to the father. “Was a diaper just thrown out the window?” “Yes, but it was my wife, not me.” “Do you know it is illegal to throw things out of the window of a car?” “Yes, but it was my wife, not me.” “But you were driving.” “What kind of law is that? I didn’t do it, it was my wife!” “Sir, you are the driver. The driver must come with me.” Reluctantly the man left the car and went with the policeman who began to drive towards the station. En route, the man saw a magazine on the backseat of the police car. The man took it and threw it out the window. The policeman stopped the car and turned around. “Didn’t you hear what I just told you? It’s illegal to throw things out of car windows!” The man smiled, “Who’s the driver?” TBC One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was promptly blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!” Mrs. D. TROUBLESHOOTING 76 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE