Community Magazine July 2016

Rena decides to do some shopping at a local mall and manages to persuade her husband, Morris, to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women’s clothes store after another, Rena suddenly realizes that Morris is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see ‘what’s what.’ “So where are you?” she angrily asks Morris. “I thought we were shopping together.” “Don’t get angry, Darling,” replies Morris. “Do you remember the jewelry shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall? The one we spent time in last year? Remember we saw a lovely gold necklace for you there but it was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy at the time and I said I would get it for you one day?” “Yes, of course I do, darling,” replies Rena excitedly. “Why do you ask?” “Well I’m in the Cafe next door to that jewelry store eating ice cream.” DavidM. STANDARD FEE A MOTHER’S PRAYER JUMPING FOR JOY A man once asked a lawyer: “Howmuch do you charge?” “$1,000 for three questions.” “Really?” the man asked. “Yes, and what’s your third question?” F.G. and M.E. Rabbi Cohen is talking to Esther’s young son. “So David,” he says, “you tell me that your mother always says prayers for you every night. That is really nice of her. It’s a mitzvah, you know. So tell me, what does she say during her prayers, David?” “She says, ‘Thank Gd my son’s in bed.’” Raymond Z. The Rosenberg family was on their first trip to Israel and they wanted to do something adventurous so they decided to go skydiving. During the class, David the skydiving instructor was taking questions. Howie Rosenberg asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?” David looked at Howie and responded straight faced, “The rest of your life.” Sherry P. JUST WONDERING…. A REAL JEWEL Why is Lemon Juice made with artificial flavoring and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “Rush Hour?” Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why don’t they make entire airplanes out of those indestructible black boxes? Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why is an airport called “the terminal?” Maureen G. A PLAY ON WORDS Marcia was a poor woman who needed a job. She decided to work for Mr. Kepple, the wealthy man down the block. Marcia knocked on Mr. Kepple’s door, asking what sort of job she could do in exchange for $12 an hour. “You could start with painting my porch,” responded Mr. Kepple. Later, Mrs. Kepple came home and wondered what Marcia was doing. “It will take her at least a day to paint a porch the size of this house,” said Mrs. Kepple. “So what? She needs the money anyway,” answered Mr. Kepple. 15 minutes later, Marcia rushed in. “I’m finished! And by the way, it’s not a Porsche – it’s a Lexus.” Chaya Benabu Max was a go-getter. He wanted to be the first of his friends to have a car and he wanted to buy it with his own money. Sure enough, just after he turned 16 he had saved up enough money to buy a car. But unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to put away a lot of money so the car was, well, not in the best of health. One morning, Max’s mother was surprised to see his car parked in front of the house even though he was at school. When Max returned home she asked him about it. “I had to get to school early,” Max said, “so I just ran.” Abraham C. CAR TROUBLE VEGETABLE REPAIR What do you use to fix a broken tomato? Tomato paste. Bertha Diamond 94 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE