Community Magazine June 2016

Caller: Hello, is Mrs. Walls there? Answerer: No, I think you have the wrong number. Caller: Is Mr. Walls there? Answerer: I’m afraid not. Caller: Are there any Walls there? Answerer: No. Caller: Then what’s holding up the roof? Linda C. Once, a man entered the library and asked the librarian: “Hi, can I please order a burger and fries?” The librarian told him: “Sir, this is a library.” So the man whispered: “Sorry, can I please have a burger and fries?” Joseph Chehebar Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. Harry D. I tried to catch a fog earlier. I mist. Isaac S. FLYING OBJECT GERM-FREE SENIOR DAY SIGN OF THE TIMES THE KEY TO HAPPINESS Standing in the park, I found myself wondering why a Frisbee looks larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me. Mike L. Lily: I heard that exercise kills germs. Julia: Really? Lily: Yeah, but the tricky part is getting the germs to exercise. Eddie A. As the hostess of the casino buffet showed the woman to her table, she asked her to keep an eye out for her husband, who would be joining her momentarily. She started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, and is a little overweight...” The hostess stopped her there. “Honey,” she said, “today is Senior Day. They all look like that.” Maxine A. Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century, when deleting history has become more important than making it? R.D. People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made. Jack P. SAFETY FIRST TODAY’S SPECIAL SAFETY FIRST QUIET IN THE LIBRARY EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS PLAY ON WORDS Michael had just moved to Israel and assumed the job as safety manager for a large manufacturing company. He initiated an ambitious program to increase workplace safety. One day he called a meeting on the plant floor. “Does anyone know,” Michael asked, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?” A short moment of silence was interrupted when one fellow named Itzik piped up. “That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving? Michael G. While traveling through an unfamiliar town, Jimmy, who was starving, spotted a small restaurant. A sign said, “Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.” Jimmy walked in and requested the special. A few minutes later, he called over to the waiter, furious. “Is this what you call a special?!” he asked. “The sign said ‘grilled vegetables,’ but the vegetables are baked. It said ‘fried chicken’ but the chicken isn’t fried!” The waiter said, “My friend, that’s what makes it so special.” Abe Cohen PROPER SPELLING When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, the man answered “Marc, with a ‘C’.” Minutes later, Marc was handed his coffee cup with his name written on the side: “Cark.” Leon H. SEEING IS BELIEVING Yossi, a full time yeshiva student, noticed that his eyes were starting to give him some trouble – no doubt staring at the small Talmud print all day wasn’t helping. So Yossi decided to visit an ophthalmologist. The doctor showed Yossi the eye chart, displaying the letters ICNRDTHT. “Can you read that?” the doctor asked. “Sure,” Yossi replied. “It says ‘I can read that’”. “Wait, what?” the Doctor said, confused for a moment. Then he smiled. “Ah…I think someone has been spending too much time staring at Talmud pages with no vowels!” Sammy S. Two rabbis walk past a Judaica store, where pictures of rabbis hang in the window. The first rabbi says to the second rabbi: “There’s my picture! Where’s yours?” The second rabbi says: “ Mine is sold out.” Max L. SOLD OUT 92 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE