Community Magazine March 2016

Jack was a great student. He got straight A’s, never came late, and always listened to his teachers. One day Jack didn’t come to school. The teacher was alarmed and thought he was sick, but then jack didn’t come for a few weeks! So the teacher called him up on the phone and ask why the absence. Jack replied in a calm manner and said, “I’m just listening to your orders.” The teacher said, “But I didn’t say anything!” Jack said, “I took your advice – you told me to relax.” Sarah and Adina CELLPHONE I was visiting a friend who could not find her cellphone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its wall so it never gets lost.” J. Levy THE LOTTERY DOCTOR AND LAWYER AUDIOTAPES A person prayed to Hashemevery day, asking to win the lottery. This went on every day for over a year. Finally one day after praying, a voice came down from heaven, “In order to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket!” Jack V. Grazi A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer. Steven S. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.” Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. He translated it for her: “This man has fallen from a tree.” T. Taboule STRAIGHT ‘A’ STUDENT SQUIRREL TROUBLE TECHNICAL SUPPORT When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing, I panicked and called my father. “How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?” I asked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked – the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in. M. Massre The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. I called IT. “Can someone look at my comput- er? The hard drive crashed.” “We can’t just send people down on your say so,” said the spe- cialist. “How do you know that’s the problem?” “A student told me.” “We’ll send someone right over.” Tina C. SANDWICH SHOP The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. He replied, “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?” Fred E . I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.” Sam K. EXPANDING NVENTORY FROG’S CAR Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? A: It gets toad away. S. Esses 94 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE