Community Magazine July 2014

114 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE THE SIDE SHAKING HANDS “Doctor, Doctor, you’ve got to help me - I can’t stop my hands from shaking!” “Do you drink enough water?” “Not really – I spill most of it!” Ralph Esses TWINS A pregnant woman who has been in a coma for six months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if they had been given names. “Yes,” her doctor informed her. “Since we didn’t know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names.” “Oh dear God,” the woman moaned. “My brother Henry is still a kid. He’s so silly. What in the world did he name them?” “He named the baby girl Denise,” answered the physician. “Well, that’s not so bad,” the woman replied. “What did he name the baby boy?” The physician responded regretfully, “DeNephew.” S. S. THE DRAFT INTERVIEW Robert was being drafted into the army. When it came his time to meet with the drafting officer, he was asked what his present work was. “I work for Dr. Pepper.” Robert responded. Little did Robert know that the next day he’d find himself placed in the Medical Corps. M. Hazan PHYSICS A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally, he gave his answer. “Physics saves lives,” the professor said, “because it keeps the lazy students out of medical school.” Nathan H. ADMINISTERING WITH CARE A nurse was making the rounds, giving out medication, checking blood pressure and temperature and tending to the patients’ other needs. When she stopped at an elderly patient, she politely asked before checking his blood sugar, “Which finger should we use this time so that it won’t hurt too much?” “Yours!” Eddie C. SAILOR SICKNESS Sailors have a well-deserved reputation for concocting excuses to get out of work detail. Once, an officer received a call from a sailor saying he was sick and there was no way he could leave the barracks. “What’s wrong?” the lieutenant asked. “I’m in a coma,” he responded. Steven Shweky A SURE CURE The local pharmacist was used to answering all sorts of questions. Once, a customer came in asking for a cure for hiccups. The pharmacist thought a good scare might do the trick, so he quickly reached across the counter and gave the customer a heavy slap on the back. Apparently, he slapped harder than he needed, as the customer lost his breath for a minute. “Did that cure the hiccups?” “I don’t know,” the customer replied. “I’ll have to check my wife who’s waiting in the car. She has the hiccups.” S. D. SHORT-TERM INJURY A client sought short-term disability insurance after injuring a knee. In order to process his claim, he was asked the obvious question, “And which knee is it?” He replied, “Mine.” Rachel A. FITNESS SURVEY My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. She noticed that for the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman wrote, “Horrendous eating habits.” “What makes you say that?” my friend asked. The woman replied, “I can’t spell atrocious.” Frieda M.