Community Magazine June 2014

88 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE E I C V S a g e D a A D V I C E Dear Rabbi, My brother is addicted to Facebook. We feel as though we are blessed with apps as Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, etc., but are we? I have tried to explain to him how the world has been in existence for over 5,000 years and these apps are as young as our children. He has also been to classes where the rabbi said that if our ancestors lived without them, we can do the same. I know the internet can be used for good deeds and Torah classes, but the reality is that many of us are addicted to our friend’s latest updates. What can I say to my brother to help break his addiction? Fighting Facebook Dear Fighting Facebook, Your concern is completely valid and real. The number of Jews drawn into serious sin by the internet, and the extent to which they have been pulled down, is truly frightening. Additionally, the number of marriages and families which have been hurt and even ripped apart is very disheartening, and this is a concern which deserves public attention. It must be emphasized that the people involved in these situations did not begin with evil intentions, but rather began with what they perceived as innocent, harmless activities that rapidly devolved into irreversible catastrophes for themselves and their families. As to how to help your brother, it really depends on his nature and the nature of the addiction. If he is completely taken over by the internet and Facebook, then he is unlikely to be receptive to any advice or constructive criticism. Your best chance at success would be through a “soft spot” in his heart which you might have picked up on over the years. For example, maybe he knows somebody – such as a friend or relative – whose family life tragically crumbled as a result of internet addiction. Or perhaps there are certain values which you know are especially important to him which dictate spending less time on Facebook. Approach him only after deciding upon a plan, and do so in a respectful, unimposing way, as otherwise he will feel defensive and resist your advice. If you feel he would be open to discussing the issue, then you have greater flexibility in choosing how to bring it up, but even so, proceed with caution. Keep in mind that although he’s somewhat receptive, he’s still gripped by this addiction, and you’re going to need to present him with a sensible explanation for why he needs to make a change. In either case, it is crucial that you find the proper time and setting, and you might want to get creative. You can invite him over for dinner, go out for an ice cream, or offer him help taking care of some chore which has been hanging over him for a while, and then casually bring up the topic in this calm, relaxed environment. I would also suggest you seek an additional source of competent guidance, someone like a coach or rabbi whom your brother would be comfortable speaking to, while you assume the role of supporting him through this difficult transition. I cannot overestimate the need for patient persistence. Do not give up after one unsuccessful conversation. You never know what mark you may have left on his heart and how much more prepared he will be to consider a change somewhere down the line, even if at the moment he resents your efforts. We find many places in the Torah where individuals turned to Hashem in prayer on behalf of someone else’s repentance, and their wishes were granted (see Berachot 10a). The more you ask Hashem to help your brother reroute his path, the closer you will be to seeing it happen. May you merit Hashem’s assistance and see your brother’s steady progress in this and all areas. With warm wishes and Torah blessings, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz