Community Magazine June 2014

114 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE THE SIDE EARLY SHOPPER A judge asked a prisoner what felony he was charged with. The prisoner responded that he was doing his shopping early. “That’s no felony!” the judge exclaimed. “When were you shopping?” “Before the store opened!” Y.D. SODA The leaders of the large soft drink companies meet and each buy a soda. The president of Coca-Cola orders a Coke, the president of Pepsi orders a Pepsi, and the president of RC Cola orders an RC. When it is Dr. Pepper’s turn to order, he orders water. “Why didn’t you order a Dr. Pepper?” the others ask. “If you guys aren’t having a real soda, neither will I.” Dorna Delrahim nia SIX ITEMS OR LESS I was in the six items express lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?” Jack V. Grazi FINDING A CHINESE JEW Sam and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sam,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?” “I don’t know,” Sam replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?” When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?” “I don’t know sir,” the waiter replied. “Let me go ask.” He went into the kitchen, and returned a few minutes. “No, sir,” he said. “No Chinese Jews.” “Are you sure?” Al asked. “I will check again, sir.” The waiter returned to the kitchen, and while he was still gone Sam said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.” When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.” “Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.” “Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.” David S. NAME CALLING Our favorite restaurant has a waiter whose name tag reads “Genius.” “Is that really your name?” I asked him. “No,” he admitted. “But if people are going to try to get my attention all day, I can at least be called something I like.” E. Cohen INTERNATIONAL DRIVER A foreigner was driving a car and saw a police car. He stopped next to the officer and asked, “Am I driving nicely?” “Yes,” the officer replied, “you’re driving nicely.” The cop went back to his work, but the foreigner again asked him if he was driving nicely. Agitated, the officer shouted, “What do you want already? I told you you’re driving nicely!” “If I’m driving nicely,” the driver said, “then why don’t you guys give me a license?” Shmuel Dror IN AND OUT Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. Sarah D. THE QUARTERMASTER Few people outside the military know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier’s Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore: I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When I was finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, “Now do you know what I do?” “Yes,” she answered, “you’re a cheerleader.” Abe Cohen