Community Magazine April 2014

60 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE insights into education SHIDDUCHIM AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE RIFKA SCHONFELD H er teachers always told her parents, “Dena, is so smart! A pleasure to have in class.” She always got along well with her siblings and peers. But ever since Dena first entered shidduchim , things have not gone well. She has not even had a second date. Her parents could not understand it. Why was Dena failing so miserably when she always succeeded in school? Different Kinds of Smarts IQ stands for “intelligence quotient” and was introduced by French psychologist Alfred Binet. At an early age, an educator or learning specialist administers an IQ test and that child is then assigned a number that supposedly represents his or her intelligence. According to the test, IQs are fixed and innate at birth. It’s important to realize, however, that an IQ score reflects only one aspect of a person’s intelligence. In his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ , Daniel Goleman describes a much different kind of intelligence – emotional intelligence – and explains its paramount significance: Abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope… And while there are those who argue that IQ cannot be changed much by experience or education, I will show that the crucial emotional competencies can indeed be learned and improved upon by children – if we bother to teach them. Applying this concept to Dena, success in school does not necessarily translate into success in other areas of life. Fortunately for her, there are many things one can do to improve his or her emotional intelligence. Nonverbal Communication A crucial part of increasing one’s emotional intelligence lies in the ability to properly understand nonverbal communication. One of the most basic forms of nonverbal communication is listening. Strange as it may sound, we communicate by listening. In fact, Estee Stimler, in her book, The Frum Rules: The Fun, User-Friendly, Definitive Girl’s Guide to Shidduchim , lists Rule #12 as “Be a Good Listener.” How does one become a good listener? Maintain eye contact: Listening attentively to another person requires eye contact that lets the person know that you are interested in what he or she is saying. Avoid restlessness: Restlessness can be tapping your foot incessantly, moving around silverware, or checking your watch multiple times. Restlessness indicates that you are not interested in what the person in front of you is saying. Therefore, when a young woman fiddles with her napkin, the young man with her might think that he is boring her. Steer clear of closed-in body posture: Crossing your arms, turning your body on an angle away from the person you are speaking to, or leaning away from the table are all signals that you are not comfortable in the situation. Instead, face the other person directly and keep your posture relaxed and at ease. Don’t people-watch: Another good way to indicate your interest is to stay focused on the person you are with, rather than look at other people in the room. Aside from leading to lashon hara, people-watching is distracting and again indicates a lack of interest in your date. Smile: There is nothing like a smile to show others you are kind and personable. Many people forget to smile when they are nervous and in new situations. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that smiling can actually make you less anxious. When you use the muscles in your face to smile, those muscles trigger hormones in your brain that make you more relaxed. Here are some other quick tips: Remain relaxed and focused in tense and intense situations. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you may become emotionally overwhelmed in challenging situations. Read nonverbal cues. Evaluate the person you are speaking to in terms of eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, intensity, timing and pace. Be playful in tense situations. You can avoid many confrontations and resolve differences by using humor and a playful attitude. These techniques can prove very helpful in creating a relaxed, comfortable environment in a setting which can often be awkward. And they can also help ensure that you effectively communicate – both verbally and nonverbally – who you truly are as you embark on the exciting process of finding your lifelong soul mate. Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld, founder and director of the SOS program, is an educator and educational consultant with specialization as a keriah and reading coach. Serving the Jewish community for close to 30 years, she has experience providing evaluations, G.E.D. preparation, social skills training and shidduch coaching, focusing on building self-esteem and self-awareness.