Community Magazine March 2014

E I C V S a g e D a A D V I C E Dear Rabbi, I’ve been married for a while now and someone on my husband’s side, who is not a very close relative, keeps inviting us to her house on Shabbat. We aren’t on the same religious level, and to be honest, I don’t know if I trust her kashrut level. I keep making excuses, but we can’t keep claiming to be busy, etc. My husband doesn’t want to get involved, but how can I explain it to her in a delicate way? I don’t want to turn her off religion completely or jeopardize our relationship. Questioning Kashrut Dear Questioning Kashrut, Maintaining a good relationship with a fellow Jew while supporting his or her devotion to Torah observance can sometimes take a chunk of time out of our busy schedules, and, more often than not, will also require an investment of both heart and mind. Before addressing the problem of how to evade your relative’s Shabbat invitations, I would suggest that you put some effort into enhancing your relationship with her. Giving her a leisurely call inquiring about her general wellbeing, family, children, job, household, and so on, and then sharing a bit of what’s happening on your side of the fence, can be an excellent way to enhance the relationship and leave her with a good feeling upon which to build your next encounter. Once she senses that you care about her as a person, she will be much more comfortable and secure with you, and you’ll have a lot more leverage to reveal or talk over some more delicate issues. After you’ve felt that she’s become comfortable with you and feels secure with your friendship, you could try inviting her over to your home for Shabbat. Explain that you’ve been reluctant about overburdening her with some of your family’s stringencies which are not practiced universally, and even just mentioning them might have come across a little imposing, so “why don’t we get together at our home and I’ll prepare for you!” As in all our encounters with people, we need to custom-tailor our words and manner of expression to each individual’s particular feelings and mindset. What’s also universal, is Shlomo Hamelech’s timeless teaching in Mishle (10:12), “Aversion instigates quarrel, and affection causes to overlook fault.” By following Shlomo Hamelech’s advice and showering your relative with affection, you can allow her to first feel your warmth, which will help her to perceive your message in a favorable light, and thus disregard what might have otherwise come across as insulting. Additionally, you will also be helping her heart welcome you and your way of life, thereby giving her a chance to inquire on her own about your family’s standards and initiate the offer to accommodate them in return. Looking further ahead, over the course of time your relative might come to find your more religious way of life more fulfilling, and choose to incorporate some of your admirable practices into her home and personal life, be it in mitzvah observance, character refinement, or other aspects of your family’s lifestyle which you might not even consider anything out of the ordinary. By taking this approach of genuine warmth and sensitivity, you will be following the path charted for us by the sages of the Mishnah (Avot 1:12): “Love peace, pursue peace, truly care for your fellow Jew and bring him close to the ways of the Torah.” May Hashem assist you in your dealings with this relative, and help you build the relationship into one characterized by friendship, goodwill, and joint personal growth. With warm wishes and Torah blessings, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz 80 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE