Community Magazine February 2014

E I C V S a g e D a A D V I C E Dear Rabbi, I had been struggling for the past 14 years, going from odd job to odd job and barely eking out a living for my family. It’s been hard, but we were happy. My wife recently came up with a unique business idea based out of our home that really took off. It has been so successful, b”H, that I quit my latest job to help. We’ve been paying off our debt quickly and I see things getting better financially. Marriage-wise, though, it has been stressful. We yell and get angry at each other often. She tells me how to do things that don’t always make sense business-wise, and we disagree on many things. Our kids feel the stress when they come home from school. I feel many things changing; it’s almost like we were happier before this business took off. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the way things were before, when I was respected more. But I think about the debt and financial hardship and I don’t know what I would want more. Should I go out and get a job, even though my wife’s business has been so successful? What can I do to resolve the tension with my wife? Stressed by Success Before addressing your particular situation and the difficult decision you are faced with, it is worthwhile to first layout a proper perspective on finances within the relationship of a marriage. When living in a society heavily gripped by financial fantasies, one must often remind himself that the relationship between a husband and wife is something independent of their occupation and income, where the two must love and respect one another regardless of their financial state. When money is viewed as a “charm” rather than a tool to assist in life and in the home, the one successfully earning it might mistakenly feel over-deserving, which could set off an imbalance in the couple’s relationship. As long as both spouses are sincerely devoted to one another and working as a team, the marriage will be a stable and fulfilling one, regardless of their earnings. More generally, mutual respect and sensitivity is an essential component in any successful relationship, and is vital between that of husband and wife. And thus, alongside the traditional roles that each spouse is bound to fill, they must also be attuned to each other’s particular feelings, and focus on giving each other the necessary care and consideration. Ideally, a Jewish husband is to be respected for his Torah knowledge, his dedication to mitzvot , and the sterling personality which he hopefully develops through his Torah study and observance. But in a home where Torah and mitzvot are not afforded the importance they deserve, the shade of reverence which the Torah could have cast upon the husband will not be present. Still every husband must be given the respect he deserves as the head of the household and as the father of the family, in the same way that every wife must be given the respect she deserves as co-head of household and as mother of the family, regardless of her personal accomplishments. As for your particular situation, I would suggest that if your wife is successfully running her business, you should allow her to continue doing so independently, in the manner she sees fit. If it happens that you find her making a serious mistake that could have grave repercussions, bring the matter to her attention gently, briefly and respectfully, perhaps through a third party or by dropping her a note. In general, though, it would be advisable to allow her to run the business singlehandedly, while you invest your time and energies in a different area of employment. Working outside the home will give you both your own space in which to achieve independently, allowing for a warm, enthusiastic reunion when you return at the end of a productive day of work. If the income from your wife’s business allows you to cut down your work hours, then this is a perfect opportunity to devote additional time to Torah study. There are many areas of halachah in which we should all be striving to increase our knowledge, such as the laws of Shabbat, kashrut, tefillah, berachot , marriage, financial matters, and so on. There are also many areas in mussar (ethics) which we can all study to improve our characters and thereby enhance the atmosphere in the home. Additionally, you might want to consider some volunteer work for a hesed organization, or maybe filling some sort of position in a religious institution benefiting your community. May Hashem bless you both with shalom bayit , the parnassah your family needs, and a heart to use it well in his service. With warm wishes and Torah blessings, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz Dear Stressed by Success, 74 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE