Community Magazine February 2014

52 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE Mesila presents... Child “Support” RABBI MAX ANTEBY I give my married children money all the time, and I even allow them to put many of their purchases on my credit card, but they constantly ask for more. Is there anything I can do to teach them to live with what they have? Supporting married children is noble and commendable, and is something that Jews have done throughout the ages. But giving creates dependency. The more money or things you give your children, the more they expect to receive, and the less motivated they are to make an effort to earn their keep. In their heads, parents want their grown children to be financially independent. In their hearts, however, parents want to feel that their grown children are still dependent on them in some way. This conflict of head and heart leads many parents to give their children as much money as they want – and then grumble about how spoiled and dependent today’s generation is. As parents, our job is to do what is best for our children – and what is best for them is to be dependent only on Hashem, not on us or on any other human being. How can parents encourage their children to become financially independent if they are the ones supporting them? By supporting them in a way that maximizes financial independence. Rather than trying to supervise or monitor their spending habits, your goal should be to instill in them the value of responsible financial management. We therefore recommend that you begin to give your married children a definite annual or monthly sum of money and then allow them to make their own spending decisions and live with the consequences of those decisions. Emphasize to them that you don’t want them to have to feel dependent on you and that you are therefore mixing out of their finances. At the same time, make it clear to them that you are there for them, and that they can still turn to you for help in difficult times. In general, the less involved parents are in their married children’s finances, the better it is for everyone. And more valuable than any money you can give your children is the ability to manage their money independently. You can decide whether to give your children money and how much to give them, but once you give it to them, you would be wise not to tell them what to do with it. Children whose parents give them everything they want develop a sense of entitlement – which will not serve them well when they encounter life’s inevitable disappointments. Setting boundaries for children and telling them “no” (when warranted) teaches them discipline and self-restraint, two attributes that are indispensable for a happy and successful life. As a leading educator put it, “Parents have to learn to give the gift of a positive ‘no.’” When a parent says “no” at the appropriate times, in the context of a warm, loving relationship, he plants in his child the seeds of financial independence. A child brought up in this way will limit the demands he makes on his parents and will stop looking to his parents to provide for him as he gets older and becomes able to provide for himself. He is also far more likely to appreciate what his parents do give him. Every situation is different, of course, and what works for one child might not work for another. Parents therefore have to exercise judgment when deciding how best to encourage their children to value financial independence and work towards that goal. Mesila is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families and businesses in Israel, the US, Canada, and England achieve financial stability and independence. For further information please contact us at info@mesilainternational.org.