Community Magazine December 2013

Money management plays a pivotal role in shalom bayit. The following fundamental attitudes and habits are vital topreventmoney frombecoming a source of tension and strife in the home. In most marriages, one spouse is better at financial management and will naturally gravitate towards handling most of the family’s financial transactions, such as banking, bill-paying, bookkeeping, and so on. The division of a married couple’s financial tasks can be done in any number of ways, and it is up to every couple to find the arrangement that works best for them. Regardless of how this division is done, however, it is critical that both husband and wife be aware of what is going on with their finances and involved in financial decisions. As a rule, financial information should never be concealed from a spouse. Whether the goal is to avoid criticism over a purchase – “I don’t want my husband to be upset that I spent so much money” – or to protect a spouse from financial worries – “I don’t want my wife to know how little money we have in the bank” – keeping secrets erodes the trust that forms the foundation for a healthy relationship. Lack of awareness on the part of one spouse is very often the reason for, or at least a contributing factor to, unhealthy financial behavior. This can happen either because the person is not involved in the family finances – intentionally or unintentionally – or because the person chooses to ignore financial realities. Ignoring financial realities does not make someone a terrible person. In fact, it’s something we all do at times. When we feel that we absolutely need something, we are quick to reassure ourselves that we can afford it, whether or not that is the case. We are quick to justify our own expenditures – which we consider necessary and important – and just as quick to condemn our spouse’s expenditures, whose necessity and importance we don’t always appreciate. That’s when it becomes necessary to work on improving communication and learning to understand and respect the other person’s needs and desires. Just as it is important that both spouses be aware of what is going on with the family finances and involved in the decision-making process, it is also important for each spouse to have a certain measure of autonomy when it comes to spending decisions. People feel stifled and controlled when they have to give a reckoning to their spouse for every penny they spend or obtain permission for every minor purchase. Both husband and wife should have the freedom to spend a certain amount of money, within reasonable limits, without having to inform or consult with the other. Each couple can decide for themselves what constitutes “reasonable limits,” taking into consideration their budget, their lifestyle, and their personalities. In some families, there is an official “ shalom bayit fund” for this purpose. In other families, there is an unspoken understanding that it’s fine for husband and wife to spend small amounts of money at their discretion. Which method is better? Whatever works for you. Beyond these small amounts of money, however, both spouses have to be aware of, and agree to, the way their money is managed. This means that even if only one spouse is actually managing the money, the other still has to be involved in the decision-making process. A spouse who has a serious problem with money – such as compulsive overspending, a gambling addiction, or extreme miserliness – may need to be excluded completely from financial decisions and management. But if a spouse simply has poor financial management skills, or tends to spend money in a way that is inconsistent with the family’s financial abilities, it is all the more reason that he or she be aware of the family’s finances and be part of the decision making process. It is inevitable that spouses will have differences of opinion with regard to how money should be spent. But if the lines of communication are open, then both spouses should be able to express their feelings and preferences and have those feelings and preferences understood and respected. In an atmosphere of understanding and respect, it should be possible to reach mutually acceptable financial decisions. As in all aspects of marriage, there will always be ups and downs, but as long as you are working together as a team, you will be able to weather the difficult moments much more easily. Mesila is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families and businesses in Israel, the US, Canada, and England achieve financial stability and independence. For further information please contact us at info@mesilainternational.org . DOLLAR $ AND SENSE Shalom Bayit RABBI MAX ANTEBY Mesila presents... 54 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE