Community Magazine April 2013

Dear Sito, Why is it that mothers-in-law give their daughters-in-law such a hard time? Do they think it’s the right thing to do? My sister’s mother-in-law is a total witch who literally makes her cry. Even when my sister was pregnant, she would make her cry. Does she think she is cool by treating her daughter- in-law this way? Concerned Sister Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito YOU CAN ASK SITO! Send in your toughest queries and requests for the wisdom of Sito mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 Dear Concerned Sister, It is so very touching that you have decided to write on behalf of your sister. You sound deeply concerned about her feelings and seem to genuinely feel her pain. Relationships are complicated and multifaceted, and nowhere is this more evident and true than in the relationships between mother- in-law and daughter-in-law. If you are not yet a mother or a wife, you cannot understand the intensity of the desire to be important in your son’s or husband’s life. As Moms, we sacrifice for our children, dote upon them, and invest in them enormous amounts of time, energy, love and influence, only to have them move on to marry and begin a new life with someone else, a virtual stranger to us whose way of doing things is very different from ours. Women are the ones who set the tone for the home, and they take pride in doing it the best way possible. They may be so invested in being the best, that anything that differs from what they are doing will be seen as inappropriate or wrong, and may be criticized. These natural feelings, which are felt by virtually every mother, are the root of many of the tensions that commonly exist between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. I don’t think anyone thinks he is “cool” when he hurts anyone, certainly not when hurting a child-in-law. In your sister’s case, her mother-in-law’s intent is most likely not to be hurtful, and she may not understand your sister’s sensitivities. Mothers-in-law are not looking to hurt anyone or create tension in the children’s homes and marriages, and are, in most cases, entirely unaware that their criticism, unsolicited advice and involvement have this effect. To the contrary, your sister’s mother-in-law might sincerely believe that she is helping your sister by getting involved in her affairs, and thus finds it hard to understand why your sister feels hurt. I would recommend that you offer your sister support by validating her feelings and encouraging her not to take her mother-in-law’s comments to heart. Help her see her mother-in-law’s perspective, as a mother who cares deeply about her son and might be going through a hard time seeing him begin a new life with somebody else. Once she sees her mother-in-law in a more positive light, she will find it easier to accept her hurtful comments with grace. All the Best, Sito 84 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE