Community Magazine November 2012

- TEN WAYS TO TURN THE TABLES ON TELEMARKETERS 10. When they ask how you are doing today, tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems – my arthritis is acting up, I’m behind on my mortgage, and my dog just died.” 9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them detailed questions about their company, such as when their company started, who founded it, and whether they are still with company. 8. Cry out the telemarketer’s name in surprise: “Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?” This will give her a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 7. If phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their “Friends and Family” plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?” 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just got out of prison and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on house arrest and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives his/her pitch, ask him/her to adopt you. If the telemarketer gets all flustered, tell him/her that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him to give you his home phone number so you can call back. If he explains that he cannot give out his home number, say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” and then pause until they understand the irony. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” 1. Tell them to talk very, very slowly, because you want to write every word down. Ezra I. Shamah THAT’S MY STORY A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.” Eddie Gindi TOOLS OF THE TRADE Bubba walked into a hardware store and asked for a chainsaw that can cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommended the top of the line model. Bubba was suitably impressed, and bought it. The next day Bubba brings back the chainsaw and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all the gosh-darned day!” As the salesman takes the chainsaw and starts it up to see what’s wrong, Bubba turns suddenly to the salesman and asks, “What’s that noise?” Nathan Harary THE LONGEVITY SECRET After an old man reached his 100th birthday, a local radio station interviewed him. “What’s your secret to longevity?” the reporter asked. “I never argue with anyone,” the man replied. “Surely that can’t be it,” said the reporter. The man shrugged, “I suppose you are right.” Abhu Cohen SETTING YOUR SIGHTS HIGH Robert: I really need my glasses checked. I’m so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death. Barbara: I don’t understand. What does being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death? Robert: I couldn’t tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time I was in the office! Yitzy D. BEST SELECTION After looking through the selection of “grain-fed” chickens available in the showcase, Stella walks up to the butcher and says, “So tell me, what kind of grain exactly were these chickens fed?” “Why do you ask?” replies the butcher. “Because I was thinking that if I followed their diet, I could be as thin as they are!” Yamir Safdieh THE Send us your most hilarious jokes, anecdotes, or observations. Top picks will appear in this section with the name of the contributor. email: jokes@CommunityM.com ● mobile: Scan the QR code  facsimile: 718-504-4246 ● online: go.CommunityM.com/jokes postal mai l: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 SIDE 96 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE