Community Magazine November 2012

Dear Riled Up, It sounds like your brother-in-law is a bully who feels bigger when he puts others down. Psychologists know that the tougher the bully seems, the more insecure he really is. And although you have wisely solicited the help of family members, in the absence of any progress you might have to accept the fact that nobody can get him to change if he doesn’t want to. Therefore, it may be time for some strategic offense and a shift in focus. If his objective is to rile you up, then he will continue with this behavior as long as he sees that he can get a rise out of you. If, on the other hand, his comments and digs do not ruffle your feathers and don’t achieve their objective of making you look and feel bad, then the behavior will stop. Your focus should thus be on yourself, not on him. Ask yourself, why does he have the power to upset you? Do you respect him as an authority? Do you believe the things he says about you? If not, then he may as well be calling you a fire hydrant – something you are clearly not – and you can laugh it off. His digs can’t be funny if they intimidate you. If you are strong enough in yourself, then you can disarm him with a roll of the eyes, a shrug of your shoulders, or any other non-verbal movement that implies, “He is so ridiculous I can’t be bothered,” and then begin speaking about something that interests you. You can also ask him outright after one of his digs, without any anger but just curiosity, “Again? Why am I so interesting to you, (insert his name here)? It seems you always want to talk about me.” Remember, if he can make you angry or embarrassed, he has achieved his goal and feel encouraged to continue, so just let his comments slide off your back and you will extinguish his behavior and have more pleasant family gatherings. Best of luck Sito Dear Sito, My brother-in-law is always trying to rile me up. He’s much older than me and he thinks that his comments and digs are funny, but they are really just annoying and sometimes mean. Lately, since I got married, it’s gotten worse, and I know that my new bride doesn’t appreciate his comments, either. Family members have tried to talk to him about this, but it’s only egged him on to get worse. I’ve spoken to my sister (his wife), and she has also tried to talk to him, but he just blows up. Bringing up this issue thus causes a severe shalom bayit problem for them. I started to try avoiding him, but that’s making us miss out on family occasions – and it gives him more fodder to bother me with. What else can I do? Signed , All Riled Up Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask S ito YOU CAN ASK SITO! Send in your toughest queries and requests for the wisdom of Sito mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 80 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE