Community Magazine September 2012

Dear Hot at Home, How can it be that two people who loved each other enough to agree to be married and spend the rest of their lives together can’t figure out how to cool their home in a way that is comfortable to both!? You share a home and, you share a life; to make this arrangement work, a spirit of compromise and commitment to shalom bayit (marital harmony) is necessary. The rabbis teach us that shalom bayit means our primary focus as spouses should be, “What can I do to make my partner happy?” Surely, with respect and openness to compromise you can find a solution that will suit you both. First, I would advise against taking cues from how other couples solve their problems. This strategy rarely works and often sets up unrealistic expectations that end with a huge disappointment. Instead, focus on specific solutions to your situation. One possibility to consider is that the association your husband between paying the bills and controlling the thermostat is a reflection of more general tensions over financial issues. This argument might be his way (albeit a passive-aggressive one) to let you know that expenses must be trimmed. If this is the case, then deal with that issue directly. For example, you can offer to cut back in other areas to make up for the extra electricity expense drawn by a more active air conditioner. As for the claim that halachah supports his position, you can embrace his initiative to bring religion into the mix by offering to submit the entire matter (and not a question taken out of context) before a trusted rabbi for resolution. The major problem, it seems, is that you have spoken about this “until you are blue in the face,” which means that neither of you was listening to the other. To correct this problem, you and your husband first need to get into a position where you can address this issue rationally, by listening to each other’s viewpoint, and with an eye towards reaching a reasonable arrangement. Start by emphasizing your mutual respect and tolerance for each other’s needs. At a time and place removed from the source of the dispute, and without hysterics or accusations, respectfully describe the distress you experience when the thermostat is set too warm for your comfort. Then, work together to come up with practical approaches to a mutually satisfying solution. Perhaps the answer is a ceiling fan, a new thermostat with more programming options, air vents that need to be closed or open, or placing room air conditioner units in the places you spend most of your time. There is no shortage of solutions to this issue – you just both need to demonstrate the goodwill and willingness to compromise to find the right one. Best of luck Sito Dear Sito, Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are in different worlds. He’s always cold and I’m always hot (I know, usually it’s the opposite). The couples I know who experience this in the reverse seem to manage by having the wife wear an extra layer to stay warmer while the thermostat in the house is set to a lower temperature. But my husband refuses to wear a sweater around the house – or even a shirt when he goes to bed. And he insists on controlling the thermostat in the summer, setting it at a scorching 78 degrees! We’ve talked about this until we were both blue in the face, but he insists that because he pays the bills, he controls the thermostat, and he adds that according to Jewish law if someone is cold, the other people who are hot have to yield and accept that the house should be warmer. His solution is for me is to wear fewer layers (which is uncomfortable for me) and to walk around with a cold drink (which is ridiculous). What can I do to get relief from this unbearable heat? Signed, Hot at Home Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito YOU CAN ASK SITO! send in your toughest queries and requests for the wisdom of sito mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 86 Community magazine