Community Magazine August 2012

Dear Rabbi, I have married off four daughters and two sons to wonderful people. My baby daughter is now almost 20. She graduated high school with high honors, and then completed a year of study at a top seminary in Israel. It is now her time, and I am seeing that things have changed since my last daughter married eight years ago. In the past, when I approached rabbis for a shidduch, they would set my children up immediately. But now, the first question the rabbis ask is, “How much are you going to contribute? This is our best bahur [young man], and we are not going to let him go cheap; he needs full support.” What happened to middot (character traits), seni’ut (modesty), and personality? It seems very dishonorable to me that boys, rabbis and shadchanim are looking for the girls with the biggest pocket book. If this continues, what is going to happen to the girls from families that just can’t afford to support two or three married daughters? Is this the correct way to select a shidduch, based on income?! And what does this do to the character of the boys who are being taught that money is everything? And most important to me – what is going to happen to my beautiful, smart, serious, holy daughter and others like her? Signed, Middot Not Money Dear Middot Not Money, In the Talmud ( Mo’ed Katan 18b), our sages place unusual emphasis on divine intervention in the area of matchmaking, commonly known as “ shidduchim ,” making a point of citing three proofs to Gd’s role in this area – one from the Humash, another from the Nevi’im , and a third from the Ketuvim . Still, notwithstanding divine intervention, one must exert maximum effort when pursuing a shidduch , for, as in all misvot and other areas in life, Hashem gives us the option to choose good from bad and right from wrong, and through the persistence of foolish choices one can harm himself/herself in the area of shidduchim despite Gd’s crucial role in this process. When seeking a spouse, there’s no question that the most important concern must be the compatibility of the two personalities. Clearly, then, focusing solely or primarily on finding a marriage partner with the most money would be irrational, as it implies that the couple’s compatibility will be sacrificed for the sake of money, which could spell disaster for the marriage. Our sages teach us ( Megila 28b) that the study of Torah requires a clear and calm mind which enables a student to delve into the depths of Torah wisdom and unearth the eternal truths laden within our holy books. Often, when a young couple is starting out with the intention that the boy will devote himself to intensive, fulltime Torah study, they are unable to meet their financial needs whilst leaving the husband with the peace of mind needed to excel in his sacred goal (see Kidushin 29b). It is for this reason that a rabbi, after observing an exceptional student toiling in Torah for a number of years, and realizing that this student seeks to continue doing so, would take the liberty to ask prospective parents-in-law about the financial assistance available to the aspiring scholar. Taking a look at the situation you’re describing, it is not clear that the rabbis you spoke with are prioritizing money over personality or middot . It is quite likely that while facing a list of outstanding girls seeking a “top bahur ,” the rabbis view wealth as one of several factors that help them decide which girls their best boys should go out with first. Financial resources justifiably play a role – though certainly not an exclusive or even primary role – in deciding dating precedence when confronted with a number of equally compatible prospects, especially if the boy plans to continue dedicating himself to his studies and start married life with little or no personal earnings. Unquestionably, inquiries about prospective in-laws’ finances, like inquiries about the girl’s intelligence, height or kindheartedness, must be made in a respectable manner. Parents must realize, though, that some rabbis have had unfortunate experiences with untruthful parents who gave false information about their condition when dealing in shidduchim , and might therefore feel the need to make their inquiry in a blunt, direct manner. This might seem off-putting to some, but understanding the rabbi’s difficult position in handling shidduchim we come to realize that straightforward questioning is sometimes necessary, and not a display of disrespect . Regarding your personal situation, I would encourage you to look for all your daughters’ genuine needs in a husband, keeping all her preferences in mind while reserving their negotiability. I would also suggest you keep in mind that the stereotype “great catch” or “best bahur ” will not necessarily make the happiest marriage for a given individual, and it would not be very intelligent for one to limit himself or herself only to the most popular boys or girls – even those who have rightfully earned themselves the best reputations – since there are also undiscovered gems out there who might be the perfect match for the boy or girl at hand. Along with your heartfelt pleas to Hashem, keep your eyes and ears open to all the suggestions that come your way. Examine them appropriately, and properly evaluate them with your daughter’s needs in mind. And when the time comes, b’ezrat Hashem your daughter, like her older siblings, will find the person that will fill her life and heart with joy. With Torah blessings and warm wishes, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz E C I S a g e V a D A D V I C E 76 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE