Community Magazine July 2012

DRINKS ON ME A drunkard staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink, and one for you, too!” The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “Cheers!” and downs their drinks. The bartender says, “That’ll be $137.50.” The drunkard laughs, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, ‘cuz I don’t have any money!” This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, “I’d like to buy the whole bar a drink, and one for you, too.” The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, “Salute!” and drink. The barman says, “That’s $142.” The drunk replies by making a face at the bartender and says, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, ‘cuz I don’t have any money!” This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk, throws him out into the street onto his face, and kicks him a few times more. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, “Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?” The drunk replies, “No way, you get too violent when you drink!” Yamir Safdieh PRINGLES CAN COMPLAINT Martin was a real Pringles fan. He loved the taste, texture and shape of each Pringle. Martin was also heavy-set and would get annoyed that the Pringles at the bottom of the can were always so difficult to pull out and often cracked into pieces during the process. He decided to write the Pringles company to complain. A week later he received his response. Dear Pringles Consumer, Our cans are designed that way for a reason. Honestly, if your hand doesn’t fit, then it’s time to stop! Frieda Mizrahi CHOCOLATE CONSUMED I literally owe my life to chocolate. A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3½ years, I have had a chocolate calorie intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! Ralph Esses SKIMPY TURKEYS A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.” Michael Levy WHAT’S FOR DINNER? I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables” or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.” However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting. Sharon Harary A PARROT’S PUNISHMENT Lee bought a parrot as a pet. But instead of providing comfort, the parrot would insult his owner and tease him all the time. Lee threatened the parrot with a punishment if the behavior continued. But the parrot didn’t pay any attention and kept on insulting him. One day, Lee was so fed up that he threw the parrot into the freezer. A few moments later, Lee took the parrot out and asked whether it learned its lesson. “Yes,” the parrot stuttered shaking with fright and looking back at the freezer. “Just promise that you won’t do to me what you did to the chicken in there!” Steven Sutton THE Send us your most hilarious jokes, anecdotes, or observations. Top picks will appear in this section with the name of the contributor. email: jokes@CommunityM.com ● mobile: Scan the QR code  facsimile: 718-504-4246 ● online: go.CommunityM.com/jokes postal mai l: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 SIDE 102 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE