Community Magazine June 2012

Dear Regretful Bully, It’s indeed quite admirable of you to acknowledge your misdeeds, and even more so to seek repentance as the Torah requires of us, especially in a world where so many people are adverse to admitting to anything negative which they can deceive themselves and others of. On the other hand, it’s also immeasurably important to further discern the difference between seeking forgiveness and a well- rounded repentance. One who truly repents is quite likely to be pardoned for his or her offense, and will undoubtedly obtain Hashem’s forgiveness (Rambam, Hilchot Teshuva 3:14), but being pardoned is not necessarily an indication of repentance. Repentance, as defined in the Torah, constitutes a sincere reconstruction of thought and heart in the area in which the individual is seeking to change (Mesilat Yesharim, end of chapter 4). Our sages teach us that when a person repents properly and genuinely, Hashem intervenes and opens all channels needed to achieve appropriate rectification of the sin committed (Hovot Halevavot, chapter 10). When one is being “mean, teasing and insulting,” there’s often an underlying element of pride, and definitely a lack of respect for others. I would suspect that that the girl to whom you apologized might have understood your desire to obtain forgiveness without sensing a genuine change of heart. Generally speaking, it would take a person who was well-trained in the ways of the Torah, to be able to offer spontaneous forgiveness for years of torment (see Rambam, Hilchot De’ot 5:13). My suggestion, then, would be that your next apology not begin with a straightforward request for forgiveness, but rather with a sensitive description of how wrong, uncaring and offending you realize you had been, along with an expression of much heartfelt remorse. Only thereafter should you permit yourself to inquire if there is anything you could possibly do to enable her or him to forgive you. Preparing yourself for this in advance will help walk your mind out of the unrefined, offensive habits of your past, whilst paving them over with new, more sensitive attitudes. In this way, your regret and change of heart will be more authentic and passionate, thereby making your subsequent request for forgiveness easier to accept. It might also help to keep in mind that circumstances such as this have no quick fix. It would be more realistic to give yourself a long term program, which would include additional thought and research about hesed and interpersonal relationships in general, and individualized planning for each person you’d like to approach, and as the months and years pass you’ll find yourself with surprising results. The Gemara (Shabbat 104a) teaches us that “one who seeks purity merits divine assistance.” In that light, may you merit heavenly assistance in your pursuit of complete repentance, and may Hashem intervene and reunite you in heart and soul with all those whom you’ve distanced. With Torah blessings and warm wishes, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz Dear Rabbi, When I was a teenager in high school, I was a “mean girl.” I teased other girls, said things behind their backs, insulted many boys, and so on. I feel bad about it now, and every year before Yom Kippur I think about how I should apologize to the people I was mean to, but I’m not sure how. Once I apologized to a girl I used to tease and it didn’t work out well. First, it was obvious that my apology made her very uncomfortable. Then, she started to lash out at me, yelling curses and saying that I made things worse by stirring up old memories. I have a feeling that some, if not many, of the other people whom I would ask for forgiveness will react, or at least feel, the same way. Is there another way? Signed Regretful Bully GET IMMEDIATE SAGE ADVICE OVER THE PHONE! CALL 971-ADVISE-ME (971-238-4736) To speak with Rabbi Elbaz, call Monday and Wednesday evenings from 8:30-9:00 pm (or leave a confidential message) for advice for those ethical dilemmas and practical predicaments which can’t wait. mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 E C I S a g e V a D A D V I C E 70 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE