Community Magazine June 2012

A s a mother of six, I can tell you I’ve seen the nature vs. nurture debate in my home. My friends and I always ask, “How can children brought up in the same house turn out so different?” And, different they are! Some of my children are quieter, while others are boisterous. And, some are strong-willed, while others laid back. What makes one child stubborn when the others are content with what is presented to them? Research is still inconclusive as to what creates stubborn children, but it’s clear that some babies are born knowing exactly what they want: they shoo the spoon away when being fed cereal, they insist on a certain color shirt every day, and they refuse to go to bed unless they’ve decided that it’s bedtime. Bringing up a stubborn child can be frustrating. Often, minor events turn into major scenes. But stubbornness is not all bad. The underlying resolve that characterizes stubborn children can be a great asset. Parents just need to figure out how to turn their child’s negative trait of stubbornness into the positive characteristic of being “strong-willed”. insights into education RIFKA SCHONFELD The Upside of Stubbornness When properly harnessed, stubbornness has a number of important benefits, including: • Self-confidence. Stubborn Children are sure of themselves and the world around them. They know what they want and believe they know how to get it. This self-esteem can blossom as they grow. • Tenacity. Strong-willed children are not afraid to keep trying until they get what they want. When focused on positive goals, perseverance is an excellent quality. • Problem-solving. When forced to solve problems on their own, stubborn children will pursue multiple avenues to achieve their goal. These problem-solving skills will serve them well later in life.. Stubborn oR Strong-Willed? Raising A Leader Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld, founder and director of the SOS program, is an educator and educational consultant with specialization as a keriah and reading coach. Serving the Jewish community for close to 30 years, she has experience providing evaluations, G.E.D. preparation, social skills training and shidduch coaching, focusing on building self-esteem and self-awareness. Staying Sane As a parent, dealing with a stubborn child can be very difficult. What can you do to make life manageable? • Let him be heard. If your child feels powerless, he’s more likely to put his foot down on inconsequential issues because he feels the need to be in control. Therefore, let him decide some of the small stuff. In the long run, you will both be much happier. • Give and take. Life is sometimes about doing things you don’t want to do in order to get the desired results. Compromises are huge steps for stubborn children and the earlier they learn to accept them, the smoother their lives will be. • Lead by example. There is a chance your child’s stubbornness is genetic. Perhaps you also like things to go a certain way and dig in until you accomplish that. At times this can be wonderful, but perhaps you do this with your child, as well. Do you have a vision of what he should be eating, wearing, saying, and doing? If so, maybe you can teach your child to compromise through some of your own compromises! Modeling the ability to give in will teach your child the same skill. • Start small. Whatever the conflict, introduce change in a small way. • Give the illusion of choice. As the parent, you know what’s best, and while it’s important to teach your child about compromise through your own behavior, there are times when you cannot compromise. In those instances, try to give your child the illusion of choice. That means, instead of telling your daughter that it is time to get out of the bath, ask her, “Would you like the white towel or the blue one?” This way, she gets to makes a decision that leads to your objective. While it might not always feel like it, stubborn children are a blessing. As they grow, they will know exactly what they want and will work unceasingly until they achieve it. The key is teaching these children how to pick their battles. With their focus on good values, these qualities can take them far. It’s when they get bogged down on the small stuff that you need to help steer them in the right direction. Once in that direction, your strong-willed child will do the rest of the work – and all you will have to do is sit back and watch the world acquiesce! 58 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE