Community Magazine May 2012

Jack went up to the officer and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a recently unemployed guy a break”? Ignoring Jack, the policeman continued writing the ticket. Jack upped the ante and called him an “overgrown meter-maid.” The cop glared back and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Jack called him a “doughnut-eating clown.” The officer finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10 minutes. The more Jack abused him, the more tickets he wrote. After the cop finally walked off, a bystander came up to Jack and asked why he continued insulting the cop even though he knew it would mean more tickets. Jack just smiled as he unlocked his bicycle which was chained to the parking meter. Realizing that the car didn’t belong to him, the bystander asked, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for lying?” “I didn’t lie, I really am unemployed,” Jack answered, “and coincidentally, that car happens to belong to my former boss.” Ralph Esses A PERFECT GAME Going into the eighth inning, the pitcher still hadn’t allowed a man to reach first base. My wife, who thinks baseball is boring, wondered why the crowd was so excited. “It’s a perfect game,” I told her. “Do you know what that is?” “Yeah,” she said. “One that’s over.” A. C. SYNAGOGUE THIEVES Two thieves decided to steal the coats from a synagogue. They decided to go in on Friday night, when the synagogue would be full and they could swipe lots of coats. As the congregation began to pray, the robbers snuck in and started snatching coats off the hangers in the back of the room. Just then, the entire congregation finished lecha dodi and turned around, to face the back of the synagogue as they said “bo’ei kallah”. The thieves are now serving three to five years. Frieda Mizrahi ONE MORE DROP? T he local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time – weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc. – but nobody could win the bet. One day a scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet”. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.” Abie Ashkenazi Riddle: Phones of Falsehood SUBMITTED BY: Steven Cohen Morris has two iPhones that were I infected with software viruses. His white iPhone gives out false results every Mon- day, Tuesday and Wednesday and the other days in week it is accurate. His black one outputs corrupt data on Thurs- days, Fridays and Saturdays, however on other days of the week, it functions dependably. Morris uses Siri (the voice response function of the iPhone) to find out if the phones were working correctly yesterday. White iPhone: Yesterday I was malfunctioning. Black iPhone: So was I. What day was it? Last Month’s Riddle: The Time for Wine Sharon forgot to buy wine for Passover. Her neighbor Esther has extra wine in a 7 pint container that is full to the top, but needs 3 pints for herself. Sharon has empty 4 and 3 pint containers, but needs exactly two pints for each of the two seders. Pouring the fewest times, how can the 7 pints or wine be split into quantities of 2, 2 and 3 pints? Solution: The following six pours will achieve the result: 1. From 7 fill the 4. 2. From the 4 fill the 3. 3.From the 3 empty into the 7. 4. From the 4 empty the one ounce into the 3. 5. From the 7 fill the 4. 6. From the 4 fill the 3. Junior Riddle: The Holy Mug SUBMITTED BY: Ezra Mizrahi What is designed to hold water, but is full of holes? Last Month’s Junior Riddle: Matzah Balls There were three whole matzah balls left in a pot of soup. David took one whole, Yosef took another whole and Shlomo took another whole. But there was still one whole matzah ball left in the pot. How is it possible? Solution: Shlomo took the matzah ball together with the pot and didn’t eat it yet. Solved by: Aahron Arazi, Daniel Dilamani Trivia: American Jewish Millions SEND YOUR SOLUTIONS! mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/riddle email: riddles@Community M .com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 Correct solutions received by the 20 th of each month will be noted in the next issue. 1,343,800: Variation in American Jewish population estimates between the American Jewish Identity Survey (5,200,000) and the North American Jewish Databank (6,543,800). 1900: The year in which the Jewish population in the US broke one million. (Source: AJYB 1900-1901) ! 88 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE