Community Magazine May 2012

Dear To Reveal or Not, The commandment against standing by idly while a fellow Jew is threatened with harm is so fundamental in Jewish law that it is noted in the Torah itself (Vayikra 19:16). Certainly, protecting a prospective bride from becoming a potential victim of domestic violence is of high priority (see Malbim on aforementioned pasuk). Domestic violence must be treated with utmost gravity, and one must be very wary before entering a marriage with a person having such history. Furthermore, in order for someone with such history to receive support for remarriage, he must have a way to clearly show that he’s developed acceptable social skills including proper respect and consideration for a more vulnerable human being. Marriage to a man who will ultimately turn out to be physically abusive, is unquestionably an eventuality we must seek to avoid. Life with such a person can be devastating to endure, and, in many cases, it is not simple for a woman to extricate herself from this kind of marriage. On the other hand, accurate verification of the boy’s alleged history must be established before any harmful action is pursued against him. This would include trying to get a picture of what really went on during the clashes of his first marriage, determining whether or not his behavior was indeed as violent as has been claimed, or if the claims were no more than an exaggerated picture of some coarse conduct this fellow had displayed under pressure. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon that false rumors of abuse are spread during an acrimonious divorce. We also cannot ignore the claim stating that this man has changed his ways, for although it’s not an easy feat to reconstruct one’s nature, it’s definitely possible, and if there is any way to verify this, it would benefit both parties, as no one wants to break up an engagement unless it’s absolutely necessary. With all of this in mind, it seems crucial that the information concerning this particular fellow’s alleged history be passed on to someone who can responsibly handle it with the proper care to protect the young bride-to-be. But be careful whom you choose to give over the relevant information. In general, anyone who is closely related to the girl is liable to overreact and lack the objectivity needed to honestly evaluate the situation. The most competent candidate is likely to be a respected Torah mentor of the girl or the rabbi of her parents. Alternatively, you may find another responsible person with experience in such situations who will accept upon himself (or herself) the task of researching and wisely relaying everything necessary to the girl and her family, without harming the young man unjustly. We must always keep in mind that the laws of the Torah are all-encompassing and geared for the wellbeing and protection of all parties (Mesilat Yesharim, introduction). The sages tell us that a Jewish match is culminated through divine intervention alone (Mo’ed Katan 18b), and if we do our part through effort, prayers and meeting our obligations to all parties, Hashem will see to it that each party ultimately ends up with his and her most befitting spouse and most ideal situation. May your care and concern raise mercy in the eyes of Hashem, thereby leading both parties to the future that is most beneficial for them. With Torah blessings and warm wishes, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz Dear Rabbi, A casual friend of mine is engaged to a wonderful young woman, but I am concerned because my friend had issues with violence towards his former spouse when he was first married. I don’t think his fiancée is aware of this, and though I don’t know her very well, I do know her family and I would feel bad if this sweet young lady ended up in an abusive relationship. A mutual friend told me that this fellow has changed since then, but I have my doubts. What should I do? Signed, To Reveal or Not GET IMMEDIATE SAGE ADVICE OVER THE PHONE! CALL 971-ADVISE-ME (971-238-4736) To speak with Rabbi Elbaz, call Monday and Wednesday evenings from8:30-9:00 pm (or leave a confidential message) for advice for those ethical dilemmas and practical predicaments which can’t wait. mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Opky, Brooklyn, NY 11223 E C I S a g e V a D A D V I C E 70 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE