Community Magazine May 2012

Dear Stressed Out MOTB, Mabrouk. It is always wonderful when our children find their nasib and seem to be so connected with, and feel emotional about, their future spouse. As parents, however, we have a unique perspective and a serious responsibility, which often makes this process stressful – especially when the families come from different communities with varying cultures. The way the “negotiations” were handled, through the rabbinic mediator, is in fact common in some communities, though admittedly very impersonal. I myself experienced this when my daughter became engaged and, Baruch Hashem, it did work out. But after reading your letter several times, I share your concern that this may be more than just a clash of cultures, as you put it. In the situation you describe, there is tremendous potential for conflict and pain in two of the areas that most severely affect a marriage – money and in-laws. While your daughter seems to be happy with the young man, she is not able to see the broader picture as you, her mother, are. I wholeheartedly respect and uphold tradition and certainly, in many communities, it is expected that the parents of the girl pay for the wedding reception. On the other hand, when the bride’s family comes from more modest means, it is not uncommon for the groom’s family to participate in shouldering the wedding costs. This is especially true in cases where the parents of the groom have specific requests which would increase the wedding expenses. Any “tradition” which puts an unreasonable financial burden on a family for the sake of throwing a certain type of party, is not worth following. Beyond the wedding, it is certainly reasonable to be concerned that you may face the same issues in other financial matters, whether it be for a berit milah party, be’ezrat Hashem, or where and how the couple will live. I would also be very wary of people who would threaten a relationship where two young people are obviously happy together, because of how much money will be spent on a party. But before jumping to conclusions about this boy’s family and the alleged demands, consider that dealing with a mediating third party is a little bit like playing the telephone game. It is hard to determine who really initiated the threat of terminating the relationship, and it’s likely that there is a misconception about your ability to host a more lavish wedding. To more accurately assess the situation, more communication is needed. Try explaining to the mediator your concerns and financial limitations and offer to discuss the matter directly with the boy’s parents. If the mediator does not seem to be helpful in this regard, suggest another rabbinic mediator who can help bridge what is hopefully just a cultural divide or communication breakdown. Whatever happens, trust your motherly instinct knowing that you always have your daughter’s best interests at heart. Best Wishes, Sito Dear Sito, Recently my daughter got engaged (mabrouk) to a boy from another city. Since then, everything has been bittersweet. The demands that the other side has put on us are making, what is supposed to be the most joyous occasion, sour. Although we make enough to live – we pay all our bills on time, pay full tuition for our children, don’t owe any debts, and even put a little on the side for savings – our income is not enough to burden the entire cost of the engagement and wedding parties, especially with the demands of the place and the amount of people. I try to believe that Hashem will help and I pray that He will provide for this, as well, but it is hard. What makes things even more bitter is the way the family went about making these arrangements with us. We were contacted by a mediator of “rabbinical authority” to make the financial arrangements before the families met. We were told by this mediator that we must pay for all the expenses or the relationship would be terminated. We were also told that we cannot discuss this issue at all with the parents. We agreed only because we wanted our daughter’s happiness. My daughter has deep feelings for this young man and wants to build a future home with him and his family. I do not want to incur debts that will take years to pay, but what bothers me most is the lack of sensitivity in the way this was discussed. If this is the way they act now, how do I know that they will be sensitive to my daughter’s needs later on? I want to be happy, but doubts, both financial and whether this is right for my daughter, are crossing my mind. For us, marriage goes beyond the 6-7 hour party and is a lifelong commitment. And although the couple will be building their own home, the family is still a big part of their marriage. Do you believe that the above mentioned situations are a cause for concern, and we should break off the relationship now before it gets further? Or is it just a big misunderstanding of culture clashes? Signed, A Stressed Out MOTB Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito YOU CAN ASK SITO! Send in your toughest queries and requests for the wisdom of Sito mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 68 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE