Community Magazine April 2012

W e all know that being with friends is enjoyable. We also know that children benefit from friends because it expands their horizons and teaches them to share and empathize. Research shows that friendships are not just fun – they help maintain long-term happiness, lessen grief, and make it easier to quit bad habits. Preserving positive friendships should rank up there with eating healthy and exercising in terms of long-term health. There are several ways in which friendships affect your wellbeing: • Personal goals: If you share a personal goal, the encouragement will do wonders towards boosting your will power. • The happiness quotient: The saying, “Friendship doubles your joy and divides your grief” has been proven repeatedly. When you share experiences with others, you are happier. Conversely, when you share grief, it alleviates the burden. A study of over 4,000 adults in the Framingham Heart Study between 1983 and 2003 showed that people cluster into happy or unhappy groups, and happiness spreads not just to those immediately inside the group. • Immune System Boost: Being social leads to positive emotions, often producing the hormone oxytocin, a “feel good” chemical in our bodies. This hormone reduces stress and takes the pressure off an overtaxed immune system. • Self-Esteem: Knowing you have people who love you for who you are can elevate your self-esteem. • Long life: Not only do women with close friendships live longer than their counterparts, but, according to a study of women aged 60 or older, they are also more likely to be happier as they age. insights into education RIFKA SCHONFELD “In poverty and other misfortunes, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.” – Aristotle The Surprising Benefits of Friendship IMPROVING YOUR FRIENDSHIP SKILLS I. One important element is talking to one another. This seems simple, but why are some people “good listeners” while others fail? For some, the hardest thing to do in a conversation is to listen, here are some tips: Make eye contact. While the other person is speaking, look at them. This lets them know that they are the focus of your attention. If you gaze out the window, you indicate you don’t care about what’s being said. Don"t interrupt. Avoid comparing everything to what happened to you in the past. Pay attention to your friend’s emotions and validate her feelings. Ask questions. Show you are interested by following up. Ask questions that show that you are listening. II. Once you build a base, gaining conflict resolution skills is integral towards maintaining its longevity. Every friendship will have its hiccups and spats. These need not be friendship-ending disputes. Honing your conflict resolution skills will help you make sure of that: React calmly. Many friendships are ruined because one person immediately responds negatively. You can never really take back what you say. If you learn to respond calmly and respectfully, the chances of reconciliation are higher. Seek compromise. Even though you might be sure you’re right, odds are that your friend thinks the same. Try to find a place that feels like the middle ground, but ensure that neither of you is going to feel resentful. Breed empathy. Putting yourself in your friend’s shoes to try to see it from her side of the story does wonders. Empathy is a skill that will help you with your family and career. III. Friendships and self-esteem work in a cycle: friendships help build self-esteem and having self-esteem helps you gain friends. Therefore, how can you increase your self-esteem to make new friends and therefore gain more self-esteem? Start small. Pick one thing you want to change and make strides to change it. Follow your dreams. Don’t be discouraged by other people (or your own inner critical voice). Recognize your goals, and through step-by-step planning, make an attempt to achieve them. Give yourself rewards. If you are taking steps to gain confidence, celebrate small victories. Depending on your budget, treat yourself to something small. Treating yourself let’s you know that you are worth it. Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld, founder and director of the SOS program, is an educator and educational consultant with specialization as a keriah and reading coach. Serving the Jewish community for close to 30 years, she has experience providing evaluations, G.E.D. preparation, social skills training and shidduch coaching, focusing on building self-esteem and self-awareness. 66 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE