Community Magazine January 2012

Dear Anti-Cliquish Mom, Your concern that we are not modeling proper behavior for our children is well- founded. Children are great observers and even though we may repeatedly tell them how to behave, they take their cues from our own behavior. For example, if we consistently tell our children that lying is unacceptable and a sin, but we instruct them to tell a phone caller that we are not home (when we in fact are), they will at best be confused, and at worst believe that we are hypocrites and do what they feel like doing. In the same vein, if we encourage our children to be friendly and accepting of their classmates but they witness us snubbing the mother of one of those classmates, they will feel justified to ignore, leave out and avoid those children that are not in their clique. The burden is upon us, as parents, to truly walk the talk we give to our children. If it is a value we wish them to have, then we must behave in a way that they can emulate. If we don’t want them to speak in a derogatory way about their siblings, then we must avoid lashon hara (negative speech) in our homes. If we want them to engage in hesed , then they must witness us doing acts of kindness. And if we want them to grow up with good midot , then, rather than preach about what they must do, we must strive to improve ourselves every day. On another level, this concept applies also to the requirement to judge others favorably. Though you may feel that you were deliberately slighted, it is your obligation to give those women the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they were involved in a sensitive conversation, or there is some issue you are unaware of. As much as we try to be nice, we can all sometimes unwittingly be less than friendly. And even if there were no mitigating circumstances surrounding this alleged snub, you should realize that many times such discourteous behavior stems from the offender’s own insecurities. People often don’t feel confident enough to venture out of their secure social circle. Possibly, they are afraid to be caught in a situation where they won’t have anything to say, may be uncomfortable, or will not know what to answer. If you feel the need to really address this kind of situation, it will take some extra insight and effort on your part. Focus on the other person, trying to make them feel at ease. Instead of a simple “hello,” offer a specific compliment about them or their child, and then stop to really hear their reaction. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation. You just need to make sure that your warmth and sincerity show through. While this extra effort will likely serve to break the ice with those acquaintances who don’t seem friendly, perhaps more importantly, it will also undoubtedly have an effect on your kids. All of our actions serve as an example to our children, and when your little ones see your knack with other women whom you aren’t friendly with, they too will learn the social skills and proper midot to enhance all their encounters and relationships. Best Wishes, Sito Dear Sito, At my daughter’s school last week, your letter from “Anti-Clique Mother” [September, 2011] came to my mind. The difference was that this time, the cliquish behavior was coming from the mothers, not the children! I always give people the benefit of the doubt, but I actually had two mothers outright ignore me when I smiled and said hello to them! We are not in the same “clique” of friends, but our children go to school together. We have never had any kind of disagreement or anything that might have caused friction. Is it really that hard for someone to smile and say hello? Can our kids really internalize the beautiful midot that the school is striving to teach, if they witness the opposite behavior from their most important role models – their parents? Anti-CliquishMom Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito YOU CAN ASK SITO! Send in your most perplexing queries, questions & requests for the wisdom of Sito mobile: Scan the QR code at right online: go.CommunityM.com/ask email: Ask@CommunityM.com facsimile: 718-504-4246 postal mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 68 Community magazine