Community Magazine September 2011

Dear Frustrated Mama, From your question it is clear that you do not want your daughter to compromise her standards of seniut , and would not want to jeopardize these standards in her home-to-be, either. Yet, the type of man which you hope for her to find would be deterred by the relaxed dress code that you are urging your daughter to adopt, and thus your strategy effectively hinders, rather than accelerates, the process of her finding her soul mate. You don’t just want your daughter married, you want her happily married. Human personalities differ within such a wide spectrum that the chances of two random people living in harmony for decades on a close and personal level would be infinitesimally slim if it weren’t for Hashem’s loving intervention (see Bamidbar Rabba 3, 6). This reality leads us to the Torah perspective taught in the Talmud (Moed Katan 18b), “ Me ’ Hashem isha le ’ ish ” – it is only from Hashem that a woman is united with her proper spouse. And if it’s Hashem’s help we seek, then obviously we must play the game by His rules. You mentioned in your question a feeling of frustration which needs to be addressed so that you can have some feeling of active contribution towards the goal of helping your daughter find a suitable husband. For this we take a look at the other side of the coin. In addition to the faith and trust that we must have in Hashem , it is also incumbent upon us to exert concentrated effort towards arriving at our goal (see Hovot Halevavot – Sha ’ ar Habitahon , chapter 4). One is obligated to use all permissible means in obtaining the most suitable spouse for himself/herself, including a proper search and an attractive presentation of oneself, always keeping in mind, of course, that Hashem is the one who is ultimately going to unite the two souls. Alongside appropriate efforts, it is helpful to set aside time regularly to ask Hashem for special assistance in your daughter’s search for a suitable partner. This will not only help you feel you’re doing your part, but will also actually enhance your daughter’s situation (see Berachot 8a, Mo’ed Katan 18b). In light of all this, it becomes evident that lowering your daughter’s level of modesty would only be detrimental to the prospects of the wholesome marriage which you seek for her. The foundations set by our Torah will always ultimately lead us to the best outcome. In the merit of your resolution to follow the proper path, may Hashem grant you the strength you need to pull yourself above your natural feeling of frustration, enabling you to guide your daughter wisely. And may the merit of her modesty shower upon your family much blessing (see Sota 3b), and in particular, may you welcome to your family a worthy son-in-law in the near future who will fill your daughter’s life with joy and your family with much pride. With Torah Blessings, Rabbi Yechiel Elbaz AN ADVISOR WHO CAN HELP YOU CREATE CURRENT INCOME FROM YOUR PORTFOLIO. Merrill Lynch Wealth Management makes available products and services offered by Merrill Lynch, Pierce. Fenner & Smith Incorporated, a registered broker-dealer and member SIPC, and other subsidiaries of Bank of America Corporation. Investment products: Are Not FDIC Insured Are Not Bank Guaranteed May Lose Value © 2011 Bank of America Corporation. All rights reserved. 239712 AR5670V5-06-11 Code 445217PM-0811 A Merrill Lynch Financial Advisor can work with you to assess your current financial goals and determine how to incorporate additional income producing investments into your portfolio. Morris I. Betesh, CRPC®, CSNA Financial Advisor (212) 382-8520 www.fa.ml.com/morris.betesh Merrill Lynch 1251 Avenue of the Americas 24th Floor New York, NY 10020 AN ADVISOR WHO CAN HELP YOU CREATE CUR I FROM YOUR PORTFOLIO. Merrill Lynch Wealth M nagement makes available pr vices of ered by Merrill Lynch, Pierc . F nner & Smith Incorporated, a registered bro e ber SIPC, and other ubsidiaries of Bank of America Corporation. Investment products: Are Not FDIC Insured Are Not Bank G May Lose Value © 2011 Bank of America Corporation. All rights reserve . 239712 AR5670V5-06- Code 4 5217PM-0811 A Merrill Lynch Financial Advisor can work with you to assess your current financial goals and deter ine how to incorporate additional income producing invest ents into your portfolio. Morris I. Betesh, CRPC®, CSNA Financial Advisor (212) 382-8520 www.fa.ml.com/morris.betesh Merrill Lynch 1251 Avenue of the Americas 24th Floor e York, NY 10020 elul 5771 september 2011 73 3 THE LAW OFFICE OF JACK ERDOS 718.375.7766 jack@erdoslaw.com 367 AVE U BROOKLYN, NY 11223 (CORNER OF EAST 1ST) Licensed in New York & New Jersey LICENSING ESTATE PLANNING REAL ESTATE CORPORATE LAW WILL/ TRUSTS TAX RETURNS ATTORNEY AND CPA