Community Magazine September 2011

Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Dear Anti-Clique Mother, You have asked a classic question that has been plaguing educators and parents in our community for as long as I can remember. When a new child enters an existing classroom, where the girls have become close friends and “cliquish,” it is always the hope that the girls themselves will integrate her and accept her into their friendship circle. The fact that they sometimes don’t is not necessarily indicative of a lack of midot , but rather often a matter of social survival. Your daughter instinctively befriended one of the new girls, which attests to her midot and her ability to be kind. But when it threatened her own social standing with her existing friends, the price of this generosity may have been too high to bear. This is true for many of the girls in middle school when deep friendships are forged and a young girl’s identity is formed based on whom she is friendly with. If we leave it up to the students themselves, we will usually find very little real progress, because the stakes are so high. Being “popular” and in the “sharp” clique is so very important that girls are generally focused on themselves and their own seemingly delicate social standing. As they see it, any new addition to the clique can upset the balance and maybe cause them to be excluded. How many times have I heard a young girl lament, “I introduced her to my friend and she stole her!” But while we cannot force friendships, much can be done by teachers and administrators to improve the situation. Though parents can also be supportive, on their own, they may not be as successful in this matter, as many teenagers tend to do the exact opposite of what their parents want as a means to assert their independence. If a teacher realizes that she will have new students in her class, she can plan to integrate new students through “icebreakers,” informal exercises to help the girls get to know each other. One such exercise has students interviewing each other and presenting each other to the class. The teacher can pose the girls questions such as, “What is the most unique thing about you?” or “What was the most exciting thing you ever did?” This jumpstarts familiarity and the old students may find some connection to the new student that might have otherwise taken a whole school year to discover. Do not be too hard on your daughter and her friends, or, for that matter, on yourself or the school’s midot program. Until we can change the entire psychology of adolescent girls, it behooves us to give them a helping hand in making connections in the classroom. All the best. Sito Ask S ito 72 COmmuNItY mAGAZINe Dear Sito, My daughter in 6th grade had several new girls in her class this past year. She started to be friends with one of them in the beginning of the year, but since her other friends did not want to include the new girl, the friendship never developed. I ran into this girl’s mother, and she informed me that her daughter is switching out of the school because she didn’t make any friends! The mother said that the girls were so cliquish in the class that she doesn’t want to keep her in the school. Her daughter kept trying to invite girls over and make plans, but the girls always made up excuses or said “no thank you.” I am sorry that I didn’t push my daughter harder to include the new girls. Had I known the full situation, I would have. It’s just such a hard age to tell them whom to be friends with. Sometimes it really just is not a good match, but I always encourage my children to be nice to everyone! In fact, the school has an excellent midot (character development) program. The girls just don’t seem to apply it to those in their classroom! What can be done to get girls this age, and really any age, to go out of their way and make sure to include others and not be so cliquish? Signed, Anti-Clique Mother NEW! ASK THE RABBI Now your most perplexing queries, questions & requests for the wisdom will be answered by either Sito or the Rabbi! EMAIL: Ask@CommunityM.com WEB: www.CommunityM.com FAX: 718-504-4246 MAIL: 1616Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223 Dear Rabbi, I am the mother of a 23-year- old unmarried daughter. Naturally, I know that I am among many, many mothers and daughters in this situation. Of course, I want the best for my daughter, and in my frustration, I’ve suggested to her that she dress more provocatively and “un-seniut-ish.” I know the method is archaic, but I don’t know what else there is to do. Not only do I feel badly for her, but it makes me feel like a failure as a mother. I just hope it’s not hurting her reputation, but I don’t know what to do! Signed, Frustrated Mama