Community Magazine October 2010

i nsights into education 80 Community magazine Understanding Our Children Now think of the saleslady who hears you out and then shows you clothes that meet your tastes. Even if they are not styles that you had considered looking at, you’ll give serious attention to her advice because she really listened and understood you. So, let’s get inside the heads of our children, and figure out what they actually do want, and we can then try to encourage positive behaviors using their thought processes and their motivations. I often hear parents say that they are tired of finding creative strategies to encourage their children to cooperate. “Children should just listen!! Why do I need to speak their language, and why should they only listen when they are motivated to?” I must reveal that in all my years of working with young children, I have never seen even one young child cooperate altruistically with a parent “just because.” Young children cooperate because it makes sense for them to do so, because they know the consequences of not listening, because they understand the social benefits, or for any other reason that would make it worthwhile for them. Our job is to create positive opportunities that motivate the child to want to behave properly. Now that we know that most children probably don’t care about the mess, getting into the bath, etc., let’s think, “What do they care about?” Everyone Wants Respect Children and adults share the common need to feel respected. We want to know that others think we are great. We feel demeaned when someone commands us in a belittling way. There are so many things that our children must do every day. When a parent is constantly giving commands to the child, and telling him or her to stop doing things, the child might begin thinking, “Can’t I do anything right?” If you are the kind of person who is taking the time to read this article – and gotten this far into it – I think we can safely assume that you would never want to make your child feel this way. Strategies that Work There are many different strategies that you can use to gain cooperation from your children. One of my favorites is called, “Describe the Behavior.” Instead of telling the child, “I said, ‘Stop jumping on the couch’,” you can very calmly say, “You are jumping on the couch.” You are simply describing the behavior. It is such a respectful way of speaking, and that is exactly what the child wants – respect. The message you are sending to the child is, “I don’t have to tell you what to do. You already know what to do, but you just didn’t realize that you were jumping on the couch. Of course, once I bring it to your attention, I am sure that you will stop.” You can use this technique to stop almost any misbehavior. Instead of saying, “You need to take your plate to the sink,” which highlights the child’s mistake and invites a lack of cooperation, try, “Your plate is still on the table.” You can even use one simple word to get a point across. If a child is playing roughly with a sibling, hurting his brother’s leg, try saying, “His leg, honey,” instead of, “Stop that. You are hurting his leg.” The child then thinks, “Oh, my mother thought that I did not realize that I am hurting my brother. Let me live up to that positive expectation.” When you use this strategy, you must use a calm voice! When your child does not feel attacked, you are giving him the tools that he needs in order to feel good about listening. Think of it on an adult level. Would you be more willing to cooperate with a boss who gives you commands very often, or a boss who just describes the situation? I know I would certainly be more motivated to work hard for a boss who respects my efforts and trusts that I am trying my best. There are many more techniques that you can use to motivate your children to want to behave. Only one specific strategy has been discussed here, but you can be creative about gaining cooperation by starting to think along the lines of, “What does this child care about?” If you work hard to get inside your child’s head, the sky becomes the limit in your ability to communicate effectively with your child. Tammy Sassoon is a behavioral consultant and social skills trainer. She trains parents and school personnel on how to effectively manage mainstream, difficult, or special needs children, and how to achieve age appropriate social goals. TAMMY SASSON In order for us to gain our children’s cooperation, we need to first get inside their heads to understand what they want. One of the main reasons why our children do not listen to us is that we speak to them in terms of what we want. Imagine a saleswoman who shows you clothing based on her needs and tastes, instead of yours. Would you give her advice a second thought? Get Inside their Heads: Johnny, why don’t you stop doing that, You are really annoying him. Bob, finish your supper. You need to get into the bath already. Sam, you are making a huge mess! I know that Mom. That’s exactly my intention. I really don’t understand why I should care. “Bath!? I’d really rather not.