Community Magazine December 2009

Dear Sito, Though I am a Sito myself, I have admired your wisdom for some time and feel confident that you can offer me some valuable advice. My daughter-in-law is an excellent cook, but her choice of dishes is consistently on the unhealthy side. It’s not just an occasionally rich or fattening dish here and there. It is red meat 4-5 nights a week, sugary desserts always on the counter, and a pantry full of goodies. As a result, in just two years, my son, mushalah, has gained almost 50 pounds! I have tried to discuss the issue with both my son and daughter-in-law, but their response was basically that I should not interfere. I can see thatmydaughter-in-law derives lotsof pleasure from seeing how enthusiastically her husband devours her cooking. But I believe that this is a matter of life and death. There is no disputing that excessive weight and a bad diet lead to serious health problems. How can I save my son? Signed, Save My Son Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask S ito Dear Sito, Recently, an ill member of our family has taken a turn for the worse. Right away, my husband told me that he wants to donate money to a certain charity (abroad) for the recovery of the family member. Of course I agreed and thought it was a great idea, hoping that Hashem will listen to the prayers of the holy rabbi associated with that cause. A week or two later, the same thing happened. My husband again donated to the same charity for the recovery of his family member, and then donated again, and again, several times. While it’s only a few dollars here and there and I definitely agree that giving charity helps, I suspect that he chose this particular organization because they send out biweekly, full color mailings documenting the miracles that happened to people who donated to their cause. When I mentioned my gut feeling to my better half, I got an earful! I tried to explain to him that there are many charities in our own community, and maybe we should donate to them, instead, because charity starts at home. But he insisted on continuing to donate to this certain charity, claiming that the rabbi associated with that charity is a gadol hador (leading Torah scholar), and his prayers will definitely be answered. Is it right for a charity to publish these types of mailings? I think they are trying to brainwash the general populace into donating to their charity, and they are not allowing any other charity a fair chance. Signed: Giving Fairly Dear Giving Fairly, Your frustration seems multi-faceted, with the bulk of it being that this charity seems to have “brainwashed” your husband and now he won’t listen to your reasonable advice. But let me first answer your last question. In these tough economic times, every charity is competing for your hesed dollar. Each legitimate charity has a responsibility to entice donors to send money their way so that they can help their recipients. The colorful mailings they send as well as the testimonials of miracles are designed to grab your attention and in fact they did grab your husband’s attention (apparently much to your distress). The act of giving sedaka, though, is a very personal one, with people usually choosing a charity because it has some emotional relevance to them. For instance, if as a child someone went to camp on a scholarship and had a wonderful experience, he may wish to contribute to a camp scholarship fund once he is financially secure. If a loved one became ill and was rushed to the hospital by wonderful Hatzalah volunteers, an individual is likely to contribute to that organization. And further, if one is aware of a situation where someone gave charity resulting in a miraculous medical recovery, then that person will be inclined to donate to the charity in the hopes that he will achieve the same result. Giving sedaka is a special hesed – one which reminds us that we are blessed to be in the position to give. You mention that your husband is only giving a “few dollars here, a few dollars there.” Are you in a financial position to give another few dollars to the charity of your choice? If so, then perhaps this will ease your concern about giving charity closer to home. Finally, if your primary concern is about the legitimacy, fiscal management or marketing ethics of a particular charity, your best bet is to contact the charity directly – preferably together with your husband – and express your concerns. Legitimate charities are receptive to inquiry and will answer all of your questions cheerfully and openly. Best Wishes, Sito 72 Community magazine