Community Magazine November 2009

Dear Senior Greeter, Do you remember the days when children naturally behaved respectfully towards their elders and etiquette was commonplace? I grew up around such ideals and developed an awe of rabbis and a deep respect for those older and wiser than myself. As a shy little girl, I needed to be prompted to say hello to others, but as an adult it is commonplace for me. Like you, I have encountered those who don’t greet me, even sometimes those who know me well. I believe that at the heart of the problem is the virtual disconnect from face to face interaction that characterizes today’s generation, and the source of this bane may be the virtual world itself. People walk Dear Sito, I‘m worried that my niece is making a bad decision that could affect her for the rest of her life. She is an eligible 18-year-old girl who is not taking dating seriously. Instead, she insists on finishing college and establishing a career before even considering settling down. While I don‘t have any problems with her ambitions (I went to college and worked), I do think that it’s silly to dismiss the idea of marriage for the next five to six years. In spite of the painful reality, she will not accept that a 24-year-old career girl will have a harder time getting dates than an 18 to 19-year-old college student. How can I help her become more open-minded? An Advising Aunt Dear Sito, I am an 81-year-old senior citizen, who was always brought up to respect my elders and rabbis. My parents always taught my family to say hello to people they meet, and I’ve been doing that all my life. Recently, I decided to see if others did this, as well. I stopped saying hello to people for a period of time, to see if they would say hello to me uninitiated. I am embarrassed to say that not one person said hello to me first. I even tried it with a respected community member, whom I meet almost every day. I stopped initiating the greeting, and he didn’t say hello to me. I approached him and asked him if he was mad at me, if perhaps he was not saying hello because I had stopped saying hello to him. He apologized and said that his mind was somewhere else and of course he is not mad at me. I then went back to saying hello to him first. What should I make of this? The Senior Greeter Dear Advising Aunt, It seems to me that your niece may actually be quite open-minded, but not in the way which you feel comfortable. In my day, the women of our community were, with few exceptions, committed to work hard in the home and gained complete gratification from the efforts expended on behalf of their family. Most of the women who did join the workforce at that time, did so before they had children – when it did not interfere with their primary objective, which was centered around family and the community. In this era, open-mindedness can describe women who feel they have a real contribution to make to the larger society, to educate themselves and work outside the home. Additionally, in these tough economic times, it may makes sense for some to seriously pursue a career, as opposed to just a job, in order to contribute in a significant way to the family income and derive personal fulfillment. As a modern young woman, your niece may be caught in the trap of believing that she must choose either a career track or a marriage path during her early adult years. But these two endeavors are not necessarily mutually exclusive for a girl just finishing high school. Although it is difficult to get an education and build a career while raising a family, it is far from impossible and it may be even more fulfilling than the alternatives, on many levels. However, before you try to convince your niece to do things your way, you may want to consider the consequences of trying to pressure someone into doing what you think is right for them. If you do succeed, over time she may regret the decision and come to resent you, neither of which are probably in your plan. So instead of trying to convince your niece about anything, just help her to make a more informed decision. You can start by encouraging your niece to talk to several of the many successful career women in our community who are also extremely dedicated to their families. Try the Angel Fund for possible references. Then let your niece ask her own questions about building a career and starting a family. Though I can’t predict what specific advice they might offer, I would venture to say that your niece will be encouraged to leave all her options open. All the best, Sito Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito 92 Community magazine