Community Magazine October 2009

Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito 100 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE Dear Homesick, You pose the question in terms of a wife’s responsibility to accommodate her husband’s dreams and desires. This gives your decision immense gravity as it defines your self-image as a wife. But it may help to look at this from a different perspective. You describe moving to Israel is the “right” thing to do. But this is highly subjective. There is more than one way to be right, just as there are many ways to be a caring and loving spouse. If you share your husband’s desire to live in Israel, then it is the right thing for both of you. But if you believe that moving away from your family now would make you miserable, which is certainly understandable, then the decision to move is not right for you at this time. If you and your husband discussed making aliyah before you married, then he has a reasonable expectation that it will happen. But if this is something that has come up recently, then I believe his patience and understanding of your reservations about such a move are warranted. While your husband may feel he is ready to leave now, this decision is too important to make hastily. Sit with him and discuss all the relevant aspects: finances, the children’s education, lifestyle and all the many other things that you can expect if the two of you decide this is right for the family. Dear Sito, Since the beginning of the summer, my son has been hanging out with a “fast crowd.” He’s only 18 years old, but I know he took at least one trip to Atlantic City, and he now stays out until very late hours. Though I haven’t seen any signs of drinking or substance abuse, I’m afraid that it might just be a matter of time before he tries something like this. If he was still 14 years old, we could keep him from places I thought were bad for him. But at his age, what can we do to keep him safe? Signed, Father of a Man Dear Sito, Thank you for all the wonderful advice you have given. You’re like the Sito I never had. I have a question about a wife’s responsibilities. My husband wants very much to make aliyah to Israel, and he is ready to leave now. For me, however, this is the furthest thing from my mind. I am a people person and I have many friends and family whom I can’t imagine leaving. He is not that way, and though he enjoys being with friends, he prefers the company of our immediate family. I know that moving to Israel is the right thing to do. Am I doing the wrong thing by resisting and denying my husband his wish? Signed, Homesick Dear Father of a Man, Parenting does not end based on the age of our children; it only evolves and changes to accommodate their stage of life. As the father of a man you set an example by the way you live your life as a man, by the choices you make and by the values you hold dear. It is vital that our children, male and female, know where we stand on drinking, gambling, and substance abuse. Without lecturing, pick a relaxed time to discuss your views and invite your son to share his. You want to keep the lines of communication open and avoid criticizing or judging. We can’t control the kinds of people our children will meet and the pressures they may face from their peer group. Let him know that you trust him to make good choices and that if he ever does find himself in a troublesome situation, he should be open and honest with you so you can be helpful and also continue to trust him. Finally, pray that Hashem guide him in the right direction and give him strength to withstand temptation. Trust that you have taught him well and that he will indeed make good decisions. Best wishes, Sito