Community Magazine September 2009

Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask ito 122 CoMMUniTy MagazinE Dear Old World Name, Mabrouk and best wishes on your upcoming marriage. It warms my heart to hear how you describe your bride-to-be and that she has been able to share her feelings about this matter in a delicate and sensitive way. It sounds like you have a wonderful foundation for positive communication. Now to the matter at hand. It makes perfect sense that your bride would be concerned that her future name could negatively impact upon her career. In American society, you have but 15 seconds to make an impression – your name and appearance are the first two things that people will notice. If these don’t pass muster, many people will write you off without giving you a chance. And yet, a name is more than just a label. It is part of a person’s very identity, linking him to generations past and future, and associating him with his loved ones. This, of course, is the main reason why a woman takes on her husband’s family name – to acknowledge connection and belonging. In such a dilemma, compromise is generally called for. Though I don’t know your name, I would guess that there is some variation between the English spelling and the old-world pronunciation. This variation may be the key to solving your quandary. Perhaps you could simplymodify the English spelling slightly in a way that remains reasonably faithful to the old-world name, yet does not sound derogatory in English. For example, if a family with the Arabic name Dhimmi (a term used to describe a non-Muslim) had long ago adopted the American surname Dimmy (which let’s say could be interpreted derogatorily in English), it would not, by most standards, be considered a significant departure from their identity if they would modify the English version to read Zimmy or some other derivative. Since the true “dh” sound doesn’t really exist in English, using a “z” instead of a “d” simply reflects a different way of notating the same name. The change may even benefit you and other members of your family who may wish to adopt the new English spelling of the name for their professional careers, as well. The fact is, there are a number of blood relatives in the community who spell their family names differently (Mizrahi and Mizrachi; Dushey and Dusi; Beyda and Beda, etc.) with a resultant difference in how Americans pronounce these names. If you do consider such a move, it may be wise to first consult with the elders of your family and especially with your parents. Explaining that you are just as concerned about maintaining fidelity to the correct old-world pronunciation of the family name as you are about ensuring that the English spelling doesn’t sound demeaning, will go a long way to reassure them that your intentions are not at all to distance yourself from the family. If changing your own name turns out to be infeasible, perhaps your future wife alone couldadopt themodifiedname.Alternatively, you could encourage your fiancée to keep her maiden name for professional purposes, but adopt your name in other areas. She could also hyphenate or choose a composite of any of these or other suggestions. Whatever you decide to do, continue showing the same respect and sensitivity that you are currently exhibiting to one another and you will be assured a satisfactory outcome and a successful marriage. Best Wishes, Sito Dear Sito, I am engaged to a very nice girl, with very fine character traits. Soon after we were engaged, she brought up a concern she had and very delicately presented her dilemma. Though she has a career in which she has begun to establish a fine reputation, she is the kind of girl who wantstoadoptherhusband’s name. The problem is that she feels that adopting my “old-world” last name, which, phonetically, could sound derogatory to some Americans, would hurt her career. In a very sensitive way, she explained her feelings and asked if I would be open to changing my last name. I know that some people have changed their names when they came to America, but our family has been here for four generations and everyone has kept the original name. How can I keep both my wife and my own family satisfied in this situation? Signed, Old World Name