Community Magazine July 2009

104 Community magazine Lighter SIDE THE partinG MusiC On his first day on the job as funeral organist, Bob played a beautiful rendition of Bach’s “Sheep May Safely Graze” for the late Peter Jones. As the casket was carried out of the funeral home, some of the crowd briefly glanced over at Bob and nodded approvingly. After the service, the funeral director complimented Bob on his performance. “Oh, by the way,” the director asked, “do you know what the deceased did for a living?” “No idea,” Bob answered. The director smiled. “He was a butcher.” Abhu Cohen lunCH witH tHe Girls Three Jewish women decided to take an afternoon off and go out to lunch together. As they are being seated in the restau- rant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “Oooy.” The second follows with her own deep breath and long, slow “Oooy.” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed not to talk about our children!” Dalia Hen seVen Golden diet seCrets If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal pur- poses never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. Anything consumed from some- one else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person. Share the six secrets above with others… if you fatten up every- one else around you, then you look thinner. A.N. Man tHe BBQ When a man decides to bar- beque, the following chain of events is put into motion: The woman buys the food. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. This is the important part: The man places the meat on the grill! The woman goes inside to orga- nize the plates and cutlery. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks her to bring another beer while he flips the meat. Another important part: The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman on a plate! The woman brings the salad, bread, plates, utensils, napkins, and sauces to the table. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. The most important part: Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts! The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and upon seeing her annoyed reac- tion, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women. H. Hannah Joey and tHe Bear Joey was camping in the woods one fine July evening, when a bear suddenly appeared at the door of his tent. Scared for his life, Joey ran as fast as he could inside a nearby cave to hide. To his horror, he saw that the bear had followed him into the cave, trapping him inside. Joey, figur- ing he had just moments more to live, closed his eyes and began reciting, Shema Yisrael. When he finished, he opened his eyes... and, lo and behold, the bear also had its eyes closed and seemed to be steeped in prayer! Joey suddenly felt a sense of relief. Could it be that he had fallen into the hands of a Jewish bear? If so, he was sure the bear would not only set him free, but perhaps they would even become friends. Joey leaned in to listen more carefully to the bear’s prayer. But his relief turned to panic as he heard the bear say, “…shehakol nehiya bidbaro.” Tutu Mulu a little wHite sin? Abraham made an appointment to speak with the rabbi to dis- cuss a pressing issue. Upon sit- ting down in the rabbi’s office, Abraham said, “I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent.” “What was the sin?” the rabbi asked. “it Happened Just onCe,” aBraHaM assured HiM. “i didn’t wasH My Hands and reCite tHe BlessinG Before eatinG Bread.” “Nu, if it really only happened once,” the rabbi said, “that’s not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?” “I felt awkward, Rabbi,” said Abraham. “You see, I was in a Send us your most hilarious jokes, anecdotes, or observations.Top picks will appear in this section with the name of the contributor. email: jokes@community m .com • fax: 718-504-4246 mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223