Community Magazine June 2009

64 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE I t’s been sixteen years since I had my first child, and I want to share with you what I know about postpartum depression. I had it, only I didn’t know it. When I had my first baby, I felt like I was trapped – alone – suffocated, like I was swimming and swimming underwater and couldn’t find my way to the top. Like a maze that you can’t find your way out of. I felt hopeless. I would search for someone, anyone, who would say the right words to me, to bring me out of what I was feeling. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over me all of the time. I didn’t want to face my responsibilities, or the fact that it was up to me to take care of this new person. It was all on me – no one else. I wanted desperately to be able to reach inside and pull out the despair I was feeling. No one ever did say the magic words I needed to hear, because there are no magic words. I would wake up and the minute I would open my eyes, the tears would roll down my cheeks. There were times when I would ask Gd to end my suffering, believing that I would feel peace if I were no longer here. It was hard for my husband to understand me. We would sit down to dinner at night, and I would cry. He would ask me what was wrong, and I would answer, I don’t know. I just couldn’t feel happy. My best friend at the time would mimic the way I walked down the street. I had a look of dread on my face. No one knew what was wrong with me, not even me. Eventually, it just passed in time... a long time. When I was pregnant with my second child, I started feeling depressed again. I was afraid, afraid to feel trapped again, so we thought we would get a full-time nanny, and maybe that would help. After our interview, I cried even more. I didn’t want a nanny. I wanted to be able to take care of my children, but I wanted to feel happy and free, too. When my second child was born, I felt pretty much the same. When I would go out, I never wanted to come home, and when I did, I would close myself up in my room until my husband would come home. My mother told my doctor that I would cry a lot, and he wanted me to call him. When I did, he said to me that I was a beautiful girl, with a beautiful baby and a great husband, and that I was healthy. He thought that would make me feel better. But when I hung up, I cried so hard. I knew all of this in my mind, but I couldn’t feel any of it. All I felt was trapped and doom and misery. All I wanted was for Gd to relieve me of my suffering. I thought I would never have any more children because I never wanted to feel this way again. I remember going to my mother-in-law’s house and, breaking down. I screamed, “Are you happy your son married a crazy woman? Doesn’t that make you feel great?” She was so worried about me, and we went together to my first meeting with a psychiatrist. He helped me, but it took a long time for the feeling of doom to subside. I didn’t want any more kids, and I was lucky I had the husband I did, because he told me that Gd blessed us with two beautiful children, and if that was all I could handle, he was happy with that. I remember deciding after three years, that I wanted another child. I called that same doctor and told him how afraid I was to feel those feelings again. He said, “When you get pregnant, we’ll deal with it.” And that there were plenty of medications I could take if needed. When I hung up, I cried and got depressed because I didn’t want to just get pregnant and feel those feelings, and deal with it. I wanted to prevent it from happening in the first place, now that I knew about it. I did have my third baby, and with the help of my gynecologist and the psychiatrist, I got through it. I didn’t need any medication because I didn’t feel the things I felt before. But with my fourth baby I did... I was pregnant and found myself not being able to catch my breath, anxious and scared. The doctor wanted me to take medication. Being pregnant, I was reluctant. I was also sad to find out that I needed it. I felt like I was a weak person. Then I remembered my pediatrician telling me that it’s just like if you have a headache, you take Tylenol. You need it to help you get better, so you can run your life and take care of your family. I realized he was right. I checked on the safety of the medicines with another doctor I knew; he said it was better to take it, even being pregnant. It would be better for the baby, if I wasn’t nervous and unhappy. I did take it, it took some time to kick in, but it did help. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the ordeal I went through. I wouldn’t wish those feelings on my worst enemy. I wish that what I know about postpartum depression now, I knew back when I started to have my family. I wouldn’t have had to suffer the way I did. I’m sharing my story to tell you that you shouldn’t be ashamed of these feelings if you have them. You shouldn’t be afraid to get help. This is a real disease, one that needs to be addressed. Mothers need to feel happy to be able to take care of their families. There are so many of us out there. The first time I filled my prescription, I asked the pharmacist if it was a weak thing to do to take this medication. He said it is much more common than you would think to be on antidepressants. Not that that’s the only help for postpartum depression. There are other ways. Talking can help, eating right will, too, but there are times when medication is vital to getting better. Just know that there is help out there! SBH will be starting workshops/ support groups on postpartum. Please call Laurie Cohen at 718.787.1300 The SBH Mental Health Resource provides: Workshops, Referrals, and Educational Programs on various mental health issues including: Eating Disorders • Anxiety and Mood Disorders • Marital Issues • Parenting Issues • ADD/ADHD • Post Partum Depression • Their phone number is 718.787.1300. All calls are strictly confidential. W h e n I t ’ s M o r e t h a n t h e “ B a b y B l u e s ”