Community Magazine March 2009

112 cOmmUNITY maGaZINE A be was just awarded a special trip for not getting into trouble or fighting with his siblings. The prize his parents had in mind was a bike, but when that failed, they searched for something else. Abe’s energy overwhelmed his parents. Since he was five, he needed constant stimulation to keep his behavior controlled. Although his parents tried to keep one step ahead of him, they could never give him enough. His behavior in school was no better. Abe’s teachers reported that Abe frequently fought with his peers, and they noted that he appears to enjoy provoking altercation for excitement. His scholastic performance was lopsided. When the subject was dramatic enough to hold his attention, Abe excelled. But, more often than not, he lapsed into daydreaming, fiddled with pencils, passed notes, made jokes, and disturbed his classmates. “When he’s absent, it’s a different day,” his teacher said. “The atmosphere is calmer and we get more accomplished. We have to get to the bottom of this.” Prize Binging “Abe seems to receive more prizes a month than most kids do a year,” the teacher told Abe’s parents. “He brings things to school, and I wonder whether they might be contributing to the problem.” “Do you mean he plays with them during class?” the parents wondered. “No,” the teacher explained. “I don’t allow them to be near him. Because he has so many prizes, it’s impossible to come up with an incentive that works. What is he doing to earn these rewards?” “Good behavior,” Abe’s mother said. “Aren’t you overdoing it?” the teacher politely asked. “These prizes may buy you some peace, but it’s backfiring. He has trouble with self-control, waiting his turn, not calling out. He needs a high level of stimulation to keep him going.” Abe’s mother became defensive. “You think we’re buying him off. He’s always needed more than we could give him.” “Miriam, face it,” Abe’s father inter- jected. “He’s got us wrapped around his finger. He’s rewarded for behavior that’s just good-enough . Each time, the prize has to be bigger.” The Insatiable Child Psychologists identified two forms of insatiability— material and experiential. Children with experiential insatiability are hard to satisfy. School routines do not quell their appetites for experiences. In their frus- tration, which feels to them like boredom, they are likely to be pick fights and can easily become behavior problems. Some children who crave excitement satisfy these needs through constructive outlets such as bicycle riding, swimming and rollerblading. But for Abe, athletic activity or hobbies were not enough. Like many children, no sooner did he acquire the object than he longed for something else. Children with insatiable needs long for gratification and seem unable to wait for it. They wear their parents down with their needs. They have trouble taking turns, shar- ing and waiting in line, triggering animosity with their siblings and peers. Home Is Not A Democracy Experts say that allowing a child to flex his debating skills in arguments with parents is destructive. It is important to convey the message that the home is not a democracy, and that parents are the decision-makers. “Parents should avoid constant succes- sion of activities, shopping, and games,” says Dr. Mel Levine, in Educational Care. He goes on to say that parents who fall into this pattern will soon pay a ransom for a few moments of peace in the house. Ultimately, the stakes will be raised as the child learns he can hold his parents hostage with bad behavior until he wheedles out of them everything he wants. Insatiable children require careful coun- seling to help them bring their insatiability under control. One technique which has proven effec- tive is practicing conscious delay and sub- stitution processes, which teach a child to postpone gratification and substituting something else. One method is to reward the child with what he desires only after he remained focused on a single activity for a significant period. Another method is to designate specific times during which children can talk about things they want and receive some of them. These children should also be drawn into a mature discus- sion about other possibilities that will be nearly as satisfying. Taking The Reins In Abe’s case, when limits were first set to his prize binging, intense reactivity set in. His behavior plunged to new depths, as he tried the old methods of manipulation and found they no longer worked. Abe’s parents received counseling how to enforce limits while practicing delay techniques. They rode out Abe’s outbursts and attempts to destabilize the atmosphere, and raised the bar for earning rewards. Gradually, Abe’s acting out lessened as he came to terms with the “new manage- ment,” and his behavior slowly turned the corner. With time and guidance, Abe’s parents learned to resist the manipulation behind their son’s insistent bargaining, to cut argu- ments short and to stand firm behind paren- tal decisions. RIFKA SCHONFELD I NSIGHTS INTO EDUCATION To Keep Him Happy A King’s Ransom