Community Magazine Februafy 2009

Dear Sito My friend just started starving herself and she is only 16 years old! Her weight is perfectly normal – she is not heavy or skinny – but she thinks she is fat and has decided to do something about it, something that can potentially be very dangerous. Lately, eating disorders have become more common in our community as well as in the outside world. What should I do? Signed, Scared for Starvation Dear Scared for Starvation, Describing eating disorders as simply “dangerous” is actually a gross understatement. One out of five women who develop anorexia die within 20 years and only about a third ever fully recover, according to a study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. The numbers are similarly shocking for bulimia, making eating disorders the most deadly mental illness. The best thing you can do to help your friend at this point is to convince her to seek professional help. You will also want to contact your friend’s family about the behaviors you observed. But keep in mind that often eating disorders are triggered by other emotional issues, and sometimes those issues are rooted in challenges the patients are facing in their family life. So don’t rely solely on the family to deal with the problem. Choose a quiet time and place to talk to your friend and approach the initial conversation calmly and without pressure. Be specific and direct about the behaviors you have observed and how they may have affected your relationship. You don’t want to try to be her therapist. Rather, let her know that you have observed behaviors which could seriously threaten her health. The goal is to lovingly get the issue out in the open so that she can begin to seek treatment. Express your caring and concern but do not get angry, accusatory or critical. Speak to a health professional to better understand the right and wrong things to say in this initial conversation (you can contact Sephardic Bikur Holim for guidance). Of course, if at any point you are concerned that your friend is experiencing serious medical problems from starvation, anorexia, ipecac syrup or medication abuse – contact professional help at once. Also consider how the situation is affecting you. If you feel depressed, resentful, or angry about your friend’s behavior, don’t take it out on her, since that would only make matters worse for both of you. Instead, talk to a professional yourself. This may also be helpful to your friend by setting an example. Finally, in addition to avoiding harsh or critical comments about your friend’s food, weight, or exercise habits, you should avoid discussing other people’s bodies – both positively and negatively. You never know what habits you may be reinforcing when you tell someone that they look great since they lost weight. For more information, check out Surviving an Eating Disorder: Strategies for Family and Friends by Siegel, Brisman and Weinshel, Harper, Perennial, and The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Costin, Lowell House. With Hashem’s help and your caring involvement, your friend can be spared from the depressing and deadly effects of eating disorders. Best Regards, Sito Dear Sito, I love reading your column and I look forward every time the magazine arrives to read your wisdom. I have a problem with my daughter-in-law, who never bothers to help in any way when she is over for dinner on Shabbat. Everyone else at the meal tries to clear the table, but she simply pushes her dishes so somebody else can clear it away. I mentioned this to my son some time ago, maybe twice, but not any more.. Should I say something or should I just keep quiet? On the rare instances when we are invited to her place, I do my utmost to help her in the house and with the children who love me very much. I have a fairly nice relationship with her. I feel that the ‘girls’ these days think of their mother-in- law as just a ‘woman’ and not as a mother, or at least not as important as their own mother. Sincerely, Frustrated Mother-in-Law Si•to (sĭtō) Grandmother[Arabic] Ask S ito YOUCANASK SITO! Send your queries, questions &requests for the wisdom of Sito. MAIL: Community Magazine 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 EMAIL: sito@communitym.com FAX: 718-504-4246 76 Community magazine